Tida payah

 Bapa x payah la tingu sy dari jauh aa pa..bapa jangan risau.sy pandai suda jaga diri sy pa.bapa suda banyak susah pasal sy.sy xmau suda kasi susah bapa.sebut nama bapa di public pun sy malu.mengaku anak bapa pun sy malu..sbb sy buruk.the ugly duckling in the family.sy minta maaf aa pa.sy sayang bapa.sy selalu sayang bapa.dr dulu x pernah berubah.you are always number one for me. Jangan lagi bapa kasi salah diri bapa aa pa..mgkn ini takdir Tuhan..ada pengajaran Tuhan mau tunjuk.im sorry ive never been a great daughter to you.im sorry i never listen to you.sorry sy anak derhaka pa..bapa muncul la ba dlm mimpi sy selalu aa pa..sy rindu mau tingu bapa..sangat2 rindu..rindu x terkata.neverending.bapa muncul ja x payah cakap apapun x apa..sy nampak muka saja pun ok..i love you pa.always and forever.

Things you didnt know

 Covid.kami ada kuarantin full.tutup semua pa.

You didnt get to know and see your little grand son and grand daughters. Ada baby debra, baby brandon sama baby vennyta pa.. Bapa x sempat nampak dorang.

 Oneil sud habis spm pa..i was proud of him.walaupun keputusan xla sebaik mana.tapi x la seburuk yg disangka. 🤣🤣🤣 Like you said,he was a brilliant person.x belajar pun bole lulus pa. 🤣🤣🤣

Me transformed to a complete woman.sy rambut panjang suda.pandai suda bemekap.pakai baju perempuan.dulu bapa ingat ka?bapa pernah cakap sm sy,jadi la perempuan.. 😆 sy jadi perempuan suda ni pa..

Me doing stupid act.but i already left it for good.i remember your sayings "dont ever have the feelings of wanting something that belongs to someone else." I was stupid as usual. 😆 Waiting for you to scold at me.drinking alot.being so drunk.waiting for you to fetch me as usual.

I am still stupid as before.i am still the one you used to know,pa.bingung2.not knowing what should i do when i already know i was doing so wrong.kenapa bapa x datang dlm mimpi sy p marah sy?sy kan anak bapa..i was waiting to meet you.tp mgkn bapa malu lagi kan.x pandai habis2 kasi malu bapa.

Semua cucu2 bapa makin besar suda pa.you didnt get to witness.sy pun makin tua suda pa.banyak kedut sana sini. 😆 Ingat lagi,dulu kalau birthday sy,bapa yg paling last wish.sambil bapa cakap,bila betambah lagi 1 tahun umur sy,bapa pun betambah juga.. 😭 

Nasib sy ada anak2 kan pa.kalau teda sy ikut bapa lama suda..kasi kawan bapa sbb bapa ckp bapa takut kan?kalau sy ikut bapa,bole juga kita takut sama2..kan pa? 🤣😆 Bapa selalu bilang,kesian dorg oneil.jadi la mama.sy x pernah jd mama yg baik kan pa?jd anak yg baik apatah lagi. 🤦💆

Betul o org cakap,yg paling sedih itu yg paling banyak dosa.sy mau post bersedih minta maaf,pun xda juga guna.bukan bapa baca.post i love you,bukan bapa baca.mau kasi tingu siapa?xpayah tunjuk ba kan pa?sy selalu rindu bapa.sy sayang bapa lebih dr siapapun.tipuuuuu.kalau sayang kenapa x dengar cakap bapa? 🤣 Sy pernah cakap dulu sm bapa,waktu sy masi study di jauh sana,sy sms bapa mcm anak derhaka "you will always have a special place in my heart." Mcm si budu pula tu bila sy ingat. 🤣 Kenapa la sy lalui kehidupan begitu. 💆🤦 Benci sy ingat perangai sy time tu.xpandai paham kesakitan bapa.i truly hate me.

Bapa bilang, "teda suda semua tu..x payah ko rasa bersalah atau berdosa.ingat masa depan saja skg.pikir masa depan." Dulu bapa masi ada,x pula sy mau ingat semua.bila bapa teda,mati2 mau ingat even 1 patah perkataan pun keluar dr mulut bapa.paluinya la kan pa?

Bila bapa teda,honestly sy hilang arah.dulu sy selalu baik saja.org jahat sm sy pun,sy senyum ja.sbb sy tau sy ada bapa support di belakang sy kalau ada apa2.skg sy rasa sy defensive pa.there are times,i am sometimes too much.begitu ba bapa mau dr dulu kan?bapa suka perempuan yang who can take care of their own,who can defend their own.thats what you dont witness now.i become so defensive now.no it doesnt mean i blamed you.tp sy rasa skg im really on my own now.so i became abit heartless.its not your fault pa.sy tua suda.sy ja yg pilih apa sy jadi.teda kena mengena sama cara bapa kasi besar sy ka apa..teda pa..im sorry if i made you feel that way.skg kalau org jahat sm sy 1 kali,sy jd lebih jahat lagi lebih 1000000 kali.hahahah.puas hati. 🤣😆 Ok bapa x suka dengar.ok stop x payah suda cakap tu.

Sy cuma harap skg,sy jalan mcm bapa juga..sebaik bapa..bila jalan,anak2 suda bole hidup sendiri..itu ja sy harap.bapa has done a really great job as a father.perfectly as a human being.i want to be like you.you are always my inspiration.my top idol.

I will remember all what youve done for me.i will be good.walaupun mulut mcm paloi. 🤣😆 Bapa kenal sy kan?i wont give up on life easily.i will keep on fighting.i want to be like you.always you,pa.im your biggest fan.

Im enjoying life as i can.i will be happy always,for you..salam sayang utk bapa di sana.sy tertanya2 selalu,bapa di mana suda?x biasa x dengar berita bapa. 😆 Tercari2..bapa bilang,suda tua tp masi lg mcm budak2. 😆 Jangan ba bapa cakap begitu.sy suka manja sama bapa ba saja.itu la sy begjtu. 😆🤣 Kalau bapa masi sini,mgkn sy pun belum juga matang2 sampai tua bangka.sorry pa..banyak betul bapa susah pasal sy dr sy kecil.sy menangis ja hari ni pa.xtau la kenapa.birthday bapa pun jauh lagi.mgkn itu la ba,banyak dosa sama bapa kan.sedih la x kena tempat atau masa.sampai ni malam pun nangis teresak2.sedih betul sy ingat bapa.sy rinduuuuuuuuu ba sm bapa..

Lama sy x p kubur bapa.bapa tunggu sy ka?ada ka bapa nampak sy datang lawat bapa?nanti sy datang balik lawat bapa aa.sy tau bapa x suka nampak kami sedih2 atau menangis.ya la..bapa suka kami kuat.sy ada masa2 ja ba pa.bukan sepanjang masa.hilang bapa ba tu.bukan perkara kecil.tp bila sy pikir,bapa suda free dr tu problem dunia,dr tu kanser,dr sy problem banyak..sy trus happy balik utk bapa.

Pa,kalau nanti tiba masa sy mau jalan,bapa datang aa..fetch sy..sbb bapa tau jalan kan?sy pun takut tu pa..bapa bawa sy sama2 bapa aa..jangan lagi kasi tinggal sy.nanti kita sama2 la tunggu yg lain datang menyusul.teda ba ni agama lain2 kan pa?bapa di sana suda kan?x apa ba kan agama lain2?bole ba kan sama2 pa?sy takut..sbb dulu bapa bilang "nanti  kami semua ken kubur di tempat yg sama..ko saja lain." 😭😭😭 Sy mau ikut bapa ba..bawa sy aa pa..sy mau ada di mana bapa ada..

Almost 4 years

 4 years now dad.and im still grieving.lol.youre wrong,right? "In 5 years,Frame in every so-called disaster,will it matter?"Thats what u used to say.

I have so many regrets.one of the most is,you blamed yourself.yes.you blamed yourself for didnt give me a good lesson when i was younger.

Dad,i told you.i was already a grown up.i made my own choices.it was not your fault.if i was unhappy,thats because of me.it was never you.

My words

 If i was to be asked,whats the things that i eagerly wanted to say before i die,i will honestly answer..Thank you pa,for giving me the bestest and greatest memories ever.Youre a perfect dad.And nothing,no one will ever replace you.Like i told you before,no matter what happen,you will always have the most special place in my heart,i'll be saving it for you,only you.And i'll be holding on to that to the end.Youre never gone.Youre alive in me,forever.

Did you saw all these

Dad,

Im in love with a grown older matured man.but he belongs to someone else.I love him too.but im afraid this could be because I missed you so much.I needed someone to guide me.cuz im really lost.hes 8 years older than me dad.and he always advices me.I really wanna tell him I love him so much,but I couldnt.I remember u said once,dont ever have the feelings of wanting something that belongs to someone else.I realize he belongs to his beloved wife and kids.am I doing the wrong things now dad.please tell me.

But I know u always trusted me.

I remember when I sleep and get nightmares,u were always the ones I will look up to.

Im sorry dad.for not being able in foundations to afford your medical.I blamed me for this.I was never a rich person.to afford all those medical expenses.im so ashamed.

I wish u were still here.

Now I drink all the times.whenever I get the chance to rest.I will drink cuz I hate to think about things.tell me dad,how u been in heaven?

I believe in God.I believe good things are around us.its all because of u.uve always been the ones who stand by me.no matter if im right or wrong.U WERE MY ONLY ONE.I know how much u wanted me to grow.to know whats right and wrong.ive always been the bad daughter to u.

I wish I could still sit next to u.I dont mind if we dont talk.just sitting next by to me,its already enough for me.but im afraid now.icant handle everything,dad.

2019

You used to say, "FRAME IN EVERY SO-CALLED DISASTER, 'IN FIVE YEARS WILL THIS MATTER?' " perhaps God can show to me now,how do I keep up with these words.
I have no interest in anything anymore.I just find out I lost it all.hard for me to feel happy in whatever I do now.
Dad,

Tell me how does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful,is it free like they say?
Does the sun shining bright forever?
Have your fears and pain go away?

I hope you dancing in the sky,
I hope youre singing in the angels choir..
I hope the angels know what they have,
I bet the its so nice up in heaven since u arrived..

I miss you so so so soooooooooo veryyyyyy much dad!

Where r u

Dad,

Everythings not the same anymore since ure gone.you know?there r times I feel like not doing anything anymore.I dont feel like talking to people.im not happy doing anything anymore.I feel like I just wanna sleep all day long.luckily I have my kids.if I dont have em with me,I dont know whats my purpose of living anymore.I feel so lost.I know u hated me this way.cuz u been pushing me.forcing me.advicing me.u did everything u could.to make me see this life is beautiful.honestly ure the main purpose for me to go further.I just wanna make u proud.but now ure not here anymore.I feel that I have always disappointed u.and I never made anything to make u happy.now I lost the cause.the purpose.I was holding to what u said.frame in every so-called disaster,"in 5 years will this matter?".but I dont trust that anymore.I see all darkness surrounding me.no more sunshine.im not happy.where r u dad?do u see us still?I can never face a single day without thinking of u.I always see the moment ure dying.its so heartbreaking.there r days I feel like I just wanna stay quiet not doing anything and be left dead alone.I wish to be buried near to u.but that doesnt matter anymore right?as long as I die and my soul went to find u.ill always wanna find u again.