Trauma

I think I have the trauma. Of seeing the death of someone I really love. I cant believe that I have to accept this things gonna happen anyway. Whether I like it or not. That I finally have to realize this. Death is something we can never deny. Its for sure. No matter how hard we tried to slow it down. The time will come eventually. And theres nothing we can do about it. If death is a problem, then how come we cant overcome it with a solution? Its something that beyond humans expectation and reach. The last few days ive had with him, is something that I can never forget. It will keep on playing, repeating on my own mind. And I still ask to myself, is dad really gone? The hurts and pains can never be healed no matter how happy the situation is. And the feelings of endless yearning has filled my mind. I wont hear him calling and I cant reach to him no matter how good life is. No matter how good the technology is. I cant speak to him, I cant hug him, I cant sit in silence with him no more, I cant know how hes doing, I cant I cant I cant 100s 1000s 100000000s cant. Its stucked there. The sayings that said everything is possible, is a lie. A big lie that human beings ever believed in. And my sadness can never be cured.

Talking bout dad

Well,talking to other people about dad was never easy. My tears will always fall down. I just cant help it.

We were talking to someone just now. Me with mom. And I asked mom, whether the persons aware about our loss on dad. And I feel so sad. All in a sudden. My eyes starting to water. But I managed to hold it. So no one knows I was sad.

And I get into dads car. Asking myself, dads really gone? Talking to people was never easy. So I tried to avoid talking about dad to others, everytime.

Rest in peace dad. We will meet again, I heard ya saying dad.

Warning sign

I used to have this question on my mind. "Why cant I get the chance to live with my parents?" Well,my wish was granted. But only for awhile. And dad has gone forever. It has only been months. And could all this, been written in my so-called fate? I say so-called cuz its so hard for me to believe in fate. I believe more in logic. That I made my own fate. I choose the path im on. And could all the people who believe in fate, were actually putting their blame on something. Well, we never know.

Im living with mom now. With my kids and bro. We r happy. Thats all I wanted. Thanks God.

Our dog

If a person could ever hit a dog until they died, that person clearly is not a good person. Dogs, they dont have mind to think.

I believe,our dog was hit to death.

Indescribable

Sometimes,I just wanna be quiet and enjoy the silence. And say in my heart, I miss you, dad! I miss you so much! I dont know anything else, I just know I miss you so very much. Like by just seeing one picture of you would make my tears run down.

I MISS YOU, DAD!

See ya when ya get there

Like I heard his sayings when I went to his grave every now and then. This saying gives a big meaning to me. When I see the trees, when I look up to the sky, when I feel the wind is blowing, whether the sun is shining or rain is pouring down, I heard him saying, "Dont be sad. Ill see you when you get there." I know he always wants us to do our best in this life. It made me smile again. Everything I feel, all the things I see and touch, I will hear him saying that. I'll do my best, dad. Dont worry. Just rest easy. I will always remember you in whatever situation. I wont forget you, dad. Ill pray for you. Im not afraid. I wont be scared. I will live, dad. Until the time comes for me. I will.

Mess

My life is a mess.

My head and mind is in mess.

Everythings messed up.

Firstly, I did say sorry to my kids, for bringing them to this world without the love of a father.

Secondly, I hate my religion now. I wish I can go back. But thinking I will only mess my childrens life, I am stucked here. I cant. I love my kids. All u want now is for em to live happily.

Thirdly, I have lost the guy of my life. Whom I always turn to whenever life knocks me down. I am forever lost now. Im a terrible mother.

I hate me. But I love dad, I love mom, my siblings and my kids. The only persons in my life ever. Im ashamed of me. All the tears came out from my eyes, all the pain I felt in my chest, all the hurt inmy heart, can never explain how messed I am. I wish I can fix this. But I cant. I suck.

2019

Christmas and New Year had passed. Its 2.1.2019 today. My tears rolling down yesterday. Just when the new year has come. Feels like something is missing. Everything seems incomplete now. I was always here every new year and christmas. I never missed it being here. I remember I just sit in the living room with dad. While the others were out waiting for the new year countdown. I dont remember when.

Feels like daddys still here with us. I still cant believe it, we really have lost him. Its like a nightmare. I always pray in my heart to God to forgive all his sins. He loved his life. And he took care of everything God has given to him. Hes the very good example  to every Ordinary human being living on this earth. And he has suffer too much with pain. May God look after you dad. My prayers and heart and love will forever be with you. Amen.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year dad.