Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Vision

My vision to my future has faded now. I dont even know what to do anymore. Whatever I was about to do, was to make my dad proud of me. And now weve lost it all. I lost the cause, the source, my spirit, I never know I could lose you this fast. I havent done anything yet you have gone forever. I do know that my time will come eventually. I believe that. But im not sure anymore if we can ever be together again. Thats the thing that make me sad most of the time.

I do know my kids deserve better than this. As what dad has done for us, I should do the same for my kids. But, its not the same anymore. I have always had someone who really cared about me all these while. Who cared if I live or die. I mean I do know I still have my kids. And the rest of my family. Like I have all my hands, my feet, my body and all. But I dont have the head with me anymore. Its that feelings I was talking about.

If dad can see this, I dont ever want him to see me this way. I never want him to be sad. Maybe it will take some time. A very long time. Maybe till I die. I dont even know anymore. I dont know whats supposed to think or feel anymore.

I been the luckiest girl in the world to have such dad. But I lost him now in this world. I dont know how long will this be. I always remember how he struggled to live. Hurts me so bad. I been knocked down so hard. I cant believe I lost you. I can never believe we have lost you. And I didnt want to question God, for He knows. I used to believe thes a reason for everything that happened. Not anymore. Its just random. I just believe we have burdened dad so bad.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Sad

Sad - Maroon 5

Unforgiven

Thank you dad. For your faith in me. Youre the only one in this whole wide world whos never gave up on me. Youve never lost your faith on me. No matter how many times ive failed. And you used to tell me, weve gone through so many failure. But how lucky we were, we can still manage to go through it. The kind of burden that we were still able to carry. And you thanked God above. How grateful you were. That was that moment. And its different now. This is the failure, the kind that will forever haunt me no matter what happen. I have lost you. We have. And I blamed myself for everything. This time it hit us so bad, dad. The kind of burden thats so heavy for me to carry. I can never do this anymore, dad. I have failed so hard this time. Its knocked me down so hard. Forever to death, I will carry this feelings. I am sorry, dad. I failed.

Friday, November 23, 2018

Blame

I realize, things doesnt work with the attitude of putting the blame on others. Im not like them. Who likes to condemn others. So I dont wanna blame on people anymore. If they like to put the blame on other people, maybe I should choose the other way, I choose love over everything else. Bad words will only worsen things. We are not like them.

I will throw my words one day, I hope not. Theres a reason why dad has kept his pain as a secret and only choose to share with us, his children and wife. Now I understand why. But somehow I feel like we should tell the truth. That theyre not trustworthy. That telling them about things will not make anything better. May they realize now.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Death

I remember the time when we were so sad to death beside you on your bed at the hospital, dad. There were these people,came up to me and said to me,you have watched your dad suffers now,whats good about chemoteraphy? Is it any good? And I was speechless. What was he trying to say? What does that mean? I have already blamed myself so bad, and I was so sad that it suffers me to see you in that condition. And he has the gut to ask me that question. What the fuck?

Uncle is so in pain right now. Where are those people that used to condemn us all? What did they do? I dont see any help from them. Blame on others thats all theyre capable to do. Is that all? And they didnt even show their effort. I hate them dad. I hate your sister and her husband. I hate em so much. I am so sorry dad. But I really cant help it. They spoke like peoples lives are all in their hands. They speaks garbage. Theyre shit. Maybe cuz they eaten pigs shit. I am sorry dad. I didnt say we are right. But what they did was shit. They shouldnt have said anything. If they cant do anything to cure you, if they cant say anything nice, they shouldve remain silent. Come up and visit thats enough. I dontt need any words from anyone that moment. We dont. And I have lost my respect on em.

Gun shooting

I feel like youre watching me just now. U always came to my mind everytime. I looked at the sky, and ask, are you watching me now,dad?

I was at the shooting complex just now. Shoothing was the only thing I think I am able to do good. And I always wanted you to watch me.

Last time at the tournament me and my team managed to get to be the champion. I got the medal. Gold medal, dad. But I didnt share it with you. I never shared anything with you when you were still here cuz I know, whatever I do good now, cant compare to the hurt you felt when I didnt finish my studies. I know how much it has hurt you. Nothing of me you can be proud of anymore. Thats why I didnt share. But today I feel like youre watching me. Cuz suddenly u came into my mind. Did you watch me just now, dad?

Here I am again. Sitting alone beside your grave. I missed you alot.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Ashes

Ashes - Celine Dion

I remember I used to listen to this song over and over again. Starting from November 23rd, 2018. Thats when the doctors made the appointment to see us all and talk about dads condition. I was scared overthinking about what they might tell us. I cant even sleep well. I cried at my offices bathroom. When I got that news from my sister, I was at work. And I cant speak about it to people around me. It saddens us to death. The darkest moment has finally came.

Its been almost 3 months now. Dad has gone to meet God. I mean, I never thought it was that fast. Feels like yesterday I washed the wheelchair for dad, feed him.. I still feel so sad. We still.

I dont know what else to think.

And I hated that song now. As it said can beauty come out of ashes. Theres no more beauty. Only ashes. I have never hoped or wished anything pretty can come after dads gone.

Christmas is around the corner, dad. And nothing will ever be the same anymore without you. I never want to celebrate my birthday ever again. I swear. I hated my birthday now. I still remember how I felt. Losing you was never easy. I was filled with all tears. We all were. The worse birthday I ever had in my life. That was my last birthday. Thinking you have gone alone without anyone companying you, thinking you were scared and alone, with all darkness surrounding you on your way to meet God, our Creator. I wish I could go along with you. To company you so you wont be alone. This sadness can never be cured ever.

I still remember seeing you in tears when the first time you heard Aki has gone. You were infront of the tv playing games. You were so quiet. And I saw tears rolling on your face. Nobody understands that. I feel you now dad. I feel so sorry. But I never told you I saw that.

Rest in peace dad.. Rest in peace.. Rest in love.. Rest in love. May God the almighty forgive all your sins and take you along with Him. May God have mercy on your soul.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Your name in my lips

I can never stop speaking about you dad. how to stop me from talking about you to other people? You have always been my pride. You didnt know that. My bad. I never told you even once.

Everyone whos close to me, know, how much you mean to me. You mean the world to me. I know I am old enough to feel such way. But I feel it anyway no matter how hard I have tried to hide it.

How long will it be till we can meet again dad?

Monday, November 19, 2018

Grave visit

Visiting your grave, alone. I just sit still.

Dad, remember old times. When I told you im coming home. I would take a bus with my kids. And you will fetch us at the bus stop. I see your smile. Your cheerful face. And your willingness to fetch us tho we know its much easier for me to take a bus home with my kids. Your journey to take us will take about an hour. I know we have burdened you alot.

Here I am at your grave. Sitting alone. Visiting you. Wish I can see your smiling face again.

You are the most wonderful dad ive ever known. No one and nothing can compare you. You are the perfect thing living ever happened to us. Wish you know this. I love you dad. With all my heart. Now and forever.

Dad, I think today I made a great decision. I didnt want anyone to feel like I am a great and perfect person. So I told them the truth.

I will visit you every now and then. And pray for you everyday. I promise you that.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Story about black magic

You guys talking about black magic. I do know guys interest in their own physical strength. Theyre talking to each other about it. Like if they ever get the chance to learn black magic.

Try ask me. I am really interested in black magic. I wish I have that power to heal peoples diseases. I wish I had the power to heal dad. Even if God wanted to take him, I wish it wasnt that painful for dad. How I wished he died in sleep in his old days. But things have turned completely different, far from what I have thought. Dads gone with indescribable pain. I am sorry dad. I have let you died in such pain. There was nothing I can do. I am always useless. I have always been your disappointment. Ive failed. Once again. And this time, its really heavy. That my world has changed forever. I am sorry dad.

Friday, November 16, 2018

He aint here anymore

I have to remind myself a few times,before I realize daddy isnt here anymore,everytime.when he was here,he was my life line.the last person I will refer my problems to.cuz I didnt want to burden him much.cuz I know he had enough burden since I was little.at least I have someone to depend on when theres nothing else I can do.but now,I gotta find my own way to solve my problems when I meet a dead end.I just dont feel safe anymore.I always forgot that I have God with me.that God has always been the most powerful and almighty.he made me realize that I have God.im grateful that I have You,God.and im thankful for everything.thank You,God.thank you,Dad..I always hope God will take good care of you up there.

Today everything went smooth and well.I have faced a problem and solve it with succeed.how was it possible?its all cuz of God.Thank you God,for everything.may I will never forget,that You are the root.that You made everything possible.that we always have You.Thank you God.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

End

We are going to witness this.Its all going to lose.All hope,all ambitions..Nothing to feel,nothing to achieve,nothing to prove no more..This is all going down.Zero.The clock feels like meeting its end.Sad.Its so sad.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

The plants, the trees, clouds send my regards to Dad

Looking at these trees, clouds with rains pouring down, and wind blowing soft, with THE SWEET ESCAPE playing over the phone, with thoughts in my mind, I cried. Seeing the plants you have planted growing beautifully, I wonder, did you see all these?

I been talking to these trees, whispering in my heart, I been asking them, did they know, that you have gone? Or have they seen you over the past few days? And if they did, I told them to send my regards to you. To tell you how much we are missing you. And that we will always love you.

Dad, if only you can see yourself through my eyes, only then you will realize, how perfect, special and great you are. You wouldnt ask yourself the question, "Why I been trying so hard to do whatever I can, just for you."

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Religions


And suddenly I came across to this blog by someone. A coincidence?



Nesiaweek

Justru Setelah Jadi Muslim, Aku Tahu Kristen Itu Benar

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Inilah yang ingin kukatakan padamu, Ibu, dengan setulus hatiku: justru setelah aku menjadi muslim, maka aku makin yakin bahwa Kristen, agama kalian, tidak salah”
Pindah agama, kerap membawa konsekuensi yang dahsyat. Tapi lelaki initoh tetap menempuhnya. Lelaki Batak yang dibesarkan dalam iman Kristen ini menyeberang ke Islam, dan menikah dengan seorang muslimah. Ops, bukan karena wanita itu, tetapi karena pergulatan batin, termasuk setelah membaca sebuah buku tulisan Ahmad Dedad.
Dan benar, dia pun harus memelas kepada ibunya, manusia yang paling dihormatinya di muka bumi.
Ibuku yang kucintai, jangan lagi terus-terusan engkau berdiam diri dan menjauhi menantumu itu. Dia sangat baik, Ibu. Dia sudah banyak berkorban untukku, juga untuk ketiga cucumu
Entah sengaja abai, atau memang tidak “tersosialisasi” dengan memadai, tidak banyak yang menyadari Islam dan Kristen adalah agama yang paling banyak persamaannya. Ironisnya, dua agama ini pula yang paling banyak menorehkan sejarah kelam permusuhan hingga hari ini.
Perpindahan keyakinan dari Islam ke Kristen dan sebaliknya, terasa lebih “seru” dibanding ke agama di luar itu, padahal, jika dicermati dengan pikiran jernih, Kristen dan Islam kadang terlihat seperti dua sekte dari satu agama.
Allazina amanu wa ‘amalussalehah,” itu kalimat yang paling sering muncul di Al-Qur’an. Artinya? Ada di Alkitab, Mazmur (37:3) “Percayalah kepada Tuhan dan lakukanlah yang baik.”
Itu barangkali pesan yang ingin disampaikan Jarar ketika menuliskan kalimat yang menggetarkan, yang jadi judul tulisan ini.
Inilah yang ingin kukatakan padamu, Ibu, dengan setulus hatiku: justru setelah aku menjadi muslim, maka aku makin yakin bahwa Kristen, agama kalian, tidak salah
Al-Qur’an tidak pernah mengingkari Yesus Kristus, Isa Putra Maryam. Bahkan narasi tentang Isa dalam Al-Qur’an adalah salah satu cerita yang paling rinci di antara kisah-kisah utusan Allah. Penghormatan kepada sosok ini juga istimewa: Kalamullah (Kata-kata Allah) dan Ruhullah (Ruh dari Allah).
Disebut Kalamullah, karena Isa sudah bisa berkata-kata semasa bayi. Dipastikan, kata-kata itu memang milik Allah, karena bayi manusia biasa jelas belum bisa bicara. Disebut Ruhullah, karena dia memang ruh yang ditiupkan ke tubuh perawan Maria.
Meski tidak mengakuinya sebagai anak Tuhan atau Tuhan itu sendiri, Al-Qur’an mengakui Isa adalah sosok yang “mengandung” keilahian lebih, bahkan dibanding Rasulullah Muhammad SAW, yang punya riwayat genetik manusia biasa.
OK, Adam memang diciptakan tanpa ayah dan ibu, tetapi jelas-jelas dikatakan dibuat dari tanah. Sementara Isa, adalah ruh yang ditiupkan Allah ke tubuh seorang gadis yang belum pernah disentuh lelaki.
Satu-satunya perbedaan, dan sialnya membawa dampak teologis yang luar biasa, adalah soal cerita penyaliban Yesus. Bila Kristianitas mengakui Yesus merasakan penderitaan di kayu salib untuk menebus dosa manusia, Islam menolaknya, karena Allah telah lebih dahulu mengangkatnya ke langit.
Tapi benar-benar cuma di episode itu! Baik Kristen maupun Islam, sama-sama menyebutkan Isa atau Yesus akan turun menjelang hari perhitungan. Meski disebut dalam hadist-hadist shahih, artinya diucapkan oleh Muhammad SAW sendiri, saat ini memang muncul pengingkaran terhadap hal itu di kalangan umat Islam.
Di lain pihak, tidak sedikit kaum muslimin yang beranggapan, “Penerus Pekerjaan” yang disebut-sebut Yesus dalam Yohannes 14:16-26 adalah Muhammad SAW. Klaim yang tentu saja dibantah habis-habisan oleh umat Kristiani. (Hufh! Dua kakak beradik, anak-anak Ibrahim ini emang paling susah diakurin!)
Momen yang bisa dipastikan akan merekonsiliasi dua “sekte” yang berbeda ini adalah saat turunnya Yesus, Isa Al Masih ke bumi. Islam menyebutnya akan meneruskan ajaran Muhammad, sementara Kristen menegaskan Yesus datang demi Kerjaan Surga. Lagi-lagi adu klaim.
Sayangnya, kita mungkin tidak cukup beruntung untuk mendengar langsung dari Isa, siapa benar, siapa salah, atau sebenarnya sama-sama benar, tetapi dipahami salah.
*****
Jika memang Kristen sudah diketahuinya benar, mengapa tak balik lagi ke sana? Kan seorang Jarar Siahaan tidak perlu berhadapan dengan kerepotan-kerepotan itu? Tentu saja, hanya dia yang tahu, dan saya tidak menganjurkannya untuk menerangkan kepada kita. Agama bagi saya bukanlah perayaan komunitas, tetapi jalan sunyi menuju Sang Kebenaran.
Tapi saya jadi ingat obrolan asyik dengan Almarhum Bapak saat saya masih SMA dulu. Dia berpanjanglebar menjawab pertanyaanku yang singkat saja: “Mengapa Tuhan menurunkan agama lebih dari satu?”
Tuhan itu Mahabaik, demokratis kata orang sekarang. Dia mau berepot-repot mendesain beberapa agama, karena Dia ingin memenuhi selera beriman manusia yang berbeda-beda. Satu agama sebenarnya lebih cocok buat seseorang, atau suatu kaum, daripada agama yang lain.
Kau misalnya, kurasa lebih cocok kau jadi Kristen. Kau beriman, dan sebisanya berusaha berbuat baik. Tapi kau malas shalat, malas dengan begitu banyak ritual-ritual yang tertata rinci, yang menjadi ciri Islam. Kau pun selalu bilang, lebih percaya cinta daripada keadilan. Cinta itu esensi Kristen, sementara keadilan adalah pesan utama Islam.
Cobalah mulai kau pelajari Alkitab pelan-pelan, huehehehehe…
Saat itu, ungkapannya itu cuma kumaknai sebagai sindiran halus, karena shalatku bolong-bolong (hal yang masih terus lestari hingga saat ini). Tetapi kalau dipikir-pikir, mungkin ada benarnya juga… Sebuah agama lebih cocok bagi seseorang, atau suatu kaum, daripada agama lain.
  • Bila Anda memahami Tuhan sebagai Yang Mahaamatbaik, sedemikian baiknya hingga rela mengorbankan “anak” satu-satunya menebus dosamu, pilihlah Kristen. Tapi nggacukup gitu aja dong. Percaya kepada Yesus Sang Penebus, berarti harus hidup dengan cinta kasih. No free lunch, Dear…
  • Bila Anda percaya Tuhan memang Mahabaik, tapi ngga segitu baiknya, sebab hanya akan mengampuni dosa-dosamu lewat pertobatan, monggo ke Islam. Shalatlah minimal lima kali sehari semalam, puasa minimal sebulan dalam setahun, bersedekah, dst. Untuk apa? Bukti kepatuhanmu kepada Tuhan, dan melatihmu berlaku adil kepada sesama manusia.
  • Silakan diperpanjang sendiri deh listnya. Udah mulai puyeng nih.
Kesimpualannya aja deh. Lae Jarar mungkin merasa, desain Islam lebih memenuhi “style imannya” daripada agama sebelumnya. Jadi, sama sekali bukan tentang ini benar, itu salah. Mudah-mudahan terkaan saya benar, sebab kalau tidak, berarti saya salah. @#$%^%$# Pusiiiiing
Wallahu a’lam.
Kalo Anda belum pusing, monggo cicipi tulisan ini juga.
Jika Semua Agama Benar, Tuhan Tampaknya Sedang Belajar




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Daddy is not here

Me and my brother went to daddys grave yesterday. To light his candles for All Soul. I was at grandmas grave at first. My bro has reached to daddys grave first. And when I arrived to daddys grave, the rain started to pour. I feel awkward. And I began to thinking, daddy didnt want me there. I didnt get the chance to light candles for him. And I was sad. When we r on our way to get into the car, before going out from the cemetary, the rain slows down. And I walked back to his grave. Maybe he hears me. I tried to light the candles. But the wind was strong. So I touched his cross and we went home. I was wondering, did really daddy hears me? Why was the rain pouring down when I reached to his grave? If hes on the other side, I was wondering is he ok? Is he fine? Is he in good health now? Is he happy? Is he afraid? My mind cant stop thinking about what had happened

Then I got a dream. The surrounding was so dark. And cloudy. I was at home. And next to our home was the Blessed Sacrament Church. And I heard they were singing a Gospel song. "I surrender all, I surrender all, all to Jesus I surrender, I surrender all." And there I was crying. I cried so hard. Thinking daddy isnt in this world anymore. I was so sad. For the first time, I dreamed and realised daddys isnt in this world anymore. What was all that? A message to me? Is daddy trying to tell something? Or is it God trying to tell me something?

We all believe daddy is on his continuation day. Hes alive still, on the other side. All religions teach that. But how come we cant communicate with each other? Why? I just wanna know if daddy is okay. Am I crazy? I feel like im losing hope on this life. I am scared. I dont know how to go on.

I never want daddy to worry anymore. I want him to find God. To search for the light to Gods way. I really hope God will guide him. God please take good care of daddy. Please take him to your side. Hes new to the other world. Please forgive all his sins against You. Please God, help us to look after him. Please...