Friday, December 28, 2018

Great pain

To me, if you have never lose someone you loved so dearly to death, you havent experienced the real pain. The pain is greatest when youre sitting there by their side with no more hope, nothing you or anyone in this world can do anything anymore about it. Just waiting for them to breathe their last breath. Its truly a massive pain. And gonna haunt you forever till the end of your life.

NOT MY BEST

I didnt do my best.

We gave up that easy.

And I cant accept that until now.

Sometimes these thoughts came into my mind.

Did we give every best we can to save dad?

And I am so sad thinking of this.

We never understand it until we lost him.

It hurts so bad.

I thought he was strong. That nothing can tear him down. But I forgot, God. I never thought I could lose anyone I love so dearly.

Did I try my best? Did I do everything best I can? I dont think so. I havent done my best and it makes me so sad. He was strong. Hes my dad. Hes a hero for Gods sake. How come he lost the battle? That he has fought for all these while?

I cant believe it.

Since when?

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Hospital

Hospital is where you breathe your last breath. How can I fear and hate the hospital? Definitely not gonna be my fav place, but there were so many memories with you there.

Im never a good child. I know I been so bad. If I were a good child, you wont feel like burdening me. It was my stupidity for making you feeling such way. Youre never my burden dad. Im sorry I didnt say anything bout that. I shouldve said something. I shouldve convinced you, I was happy and it was my dream, and I always wanted to look after you. Thats all I want anyway. But you didnt know. It was my happiness to sacrifice for you.

I know I didnt do my best. I was very stupid. I shouldve been there for you 24/7 without fail. Im not gonna explain that. I know, you know I always been stupid. I didnt beg and ask for you forgiveness cuz I wanted to owe you that. The more I owe to you, the better it is, I can imagine you wont agree with that statement, well thats my point of view. Like you said, you can never win against me. But the reason I did that was because, no more no less, its gonna be a guarantee for us to meet again in the afterlife. That was all I can do anyway. I wanna see and meet you again dad.

I know you know whats in my heart and head by now dad. Please do know, I have loved you with all my heart, will always do till forever. Take a very good care of yourself. Follow the light and find your way to God's path, dad. You can be at ease now. Leave everything now. And find your way please to God. I know youre tired and its all enough. Till we meet again, dad.

Monday, December 24, 2018

Christmas 2018

What makes me sad waking up on Christmas Day this early morning, I dont see dad around no more.

Christmas Day 2017 was sad. Because we dont have all family here together with us. But it was beautiful still, and remarkable, because I woke up seeing dad sitting on his couch playing games on his tab. I wished him a Merry Christmas that morning.

And this morning I woke up remembering that moment. It was only last year. Time flies so fast. May God has taken your soul to His side, dad.. And may God forgive all your sins.

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Never enough - Loren Allred

This song explains clearly about me. Remember the moment I didnt share my successes at work with you, dad. Because I know, its never enough. And im ashamed of sharing it. I have caused a great downfall to us. How can I ever be proud of myself anymore? All the successes mean nothing. I was meant to share when its big enough, when the time comes. And now seems itll never be achieved huh? Doesnt mean anything anymore. No more to prove. So I think I have quit. And this is how I disappear from the world.

Never enough

Here I am again. At your grave. I can only meet you here. Everyday when I saw that big cross from afar, it reminds me of you, dad. How I was so happy to be home. Meeting and spending time with you and mom and kurt and the rest and home. Its always feel like im going home. Its always feel im home.

Im closing all my heart to the world now. I tried spending time with friends. But its never enough. Its different. I always remember youre not here with us anymore. I enjoy this kind of silence with you.

I found another song. For you. Its never enough. Its called never enough, dad. You have set the aim for me. My ambition was always for you. For real dad. I wont forget you. I will always remember. The love youve given to us all. I will always have you in my heart and mind. I have loved you with all my heart before. Will always be like that. Youre the one who always cared about me, whether I live or dead. Its always you, dad.

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Closed

I dont know why I feel my heart is closed for everything in this earth dad. Like everything is disappointing. Frustrating. Dark. Pale. Sad. I hate me. I dont know what more to do now. What is my ambition. I dont know whats my purpose anymore. Feeling so hopeless. And I barely care what ever now. Im losing myself.

My life

I hate my life dad.

Ive gone this far only to realize that I did wrong. The path that im on now, is a big mistake. Its all wrong. No matter what. I was wrong, dad. I cant be fixed. I cant be saved. No more.

Friday, December 14, 2018

Butterfly

There was an amazing scene happened just when the 100th days of daddys gone.

A butterfly was on the kitchens ceiling. The colour was dark. I told mom about it. And she believed it was dads. I was trying to believe it. And she was confident.

That night I went to sleep without any doubt. As usual, we will pray for dad before going to sleep. And it was on weekends. What happened was, my alarm clock start ringing on 3.30 am. It was like in my dream. The song was still by hillsong united. And its so comforting. But I woke up and press the dismiss button. And continue to sleep.

That morning I woke up at about 8am. I was sleeping on the couch in the living room as usual. I love sleeping there. We got rooms but I prefer sleeping in the living room instead. And it came to my mind, my alarm has rang on 3.30am. And I thought I didnt set my alarm on weekends. So I checked. What was it? And what a surprise, I didnt set any alarm or reminder. So who did that? Unanswered question. The butterfly came to my thoughts that morning. I thought maybe the butterfly wants to out. So I started looking for it. But I forgot when my lil bro was busy searching for something before going to the church. It was on sunday. And my view was pointed at the window where we hanged daddys banner. Theres the butterfly. Trying to find its way out but the window was closed. So I pushed my bro and I opened the window so it can go out. Just after it find its way out, I still keep my eyes on it until I believe its safe for it. And I was shocked when it spreads its wings. The colour was dark purple. Daddys fav colour is purple. It was so beautiful. And its so impressive. I was so happy to see that and without me realizing it, I smiled looking at it.

It was a very beautiful day. I was happy to get the chance to see it.

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Me

Dads 100th days today.

I feel everything surroundings filled with happiness. They said its the day, where we celebrating daddy has finally reached to heaven. Tho nothing can prove that right, honestly I feel the heat, the happiness and joy surrounding us. Its like magic. This is no lie. Tho daddys not here, feels like hes still around.

And today I have got the chance to have a little talk to my cousins. Feels like the bond is strong. What made me sad was, I have this meaningful conversation with one of my cousins. He respected daddy. And he gonna make daddy his idol. He was nearly becoming a Rev. Father long time ago. But due to some problems, its been stucked. But he never stopped spreading the word of God. And the same goes tonight. I know my belief. Ive never changed abit. Since the day I was borned. He, with all his courage and strength, has asked me to make a decision. Tho it means losing my job. He speaks like dad. He reminds me of dad. I was the reason, dad, has lost his confident. How could I. I mean I know, but hearing this from someone again, makes me get the thinking. Why would I waste another chance? Theres a reason to why I was forced to move to here. I always believe that. My instinct has never failed me. Its God.

How. Thats the biggest question ever played in my head. For all these past years, dad has tried to save me. I know. He was the only man who ever tried to be strong for me. Theres no other man. He my dad. Even I told him in my prayers, in my tears, everytime, to not worry about me and us. To keep on walking and find his way to God, I still feel, hes still up there watching us from above. I never want to burden him no more. But feels like hes still looking after us, everytime. I wont forget to say a prayer for you, dad. Not even a sec. I will always pray for you. I will always keep you in my heart and mind.

I been trying hard to not cry in front of anyone anymore. Especially mom and my sis and my bro and my kids. With the hope, they will be strong. I gotta be strong. I wont show any pain and tears no more, dad.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Home

Home is where you're at.

I cant understand why must we lose people.
I cant think of an answer for the question we all have in our mind.
Why is this happening?

I miss dad.

Aftermath - MUSE

Aftermath. I used to sing this song and I been trying hard to make this song as something that remind me to someone. Well I wasnt actually falling in love. But I tried hard to think of him in special way and make him special. And I realize now it doesnt worth it and I was wrong.

The real situation was, I used to sing this when i was in my dads car. Which I drove to send dad to the hospital. While waiting for dad n mom comes back from his once in two weeks blood test. After awhile, when this song came again, dad has gone and I realize this song was something that reminds me to dad. And when I realize that, I cry everytime I listen to this song.

There were too many times we were together without me realizing it. I used to argue with dad. Even when he was already so sick. I still confronted him about things. And now I think, why in the world I cant just agree with dad. Why must I stick with my thoughts when dad disagreed. Why cant I just let him win. Why must I let him down. How could I. Ive always been so hard headed. Im sorry dad. I been so childish and I hate it.

And I thought about home. This home aint really a home without you. Its incomplete. Youve always been my home, dad. My home is always where youre at. I always come home to you cuz I know, youre my home. No matter how far you were at. But where do I go now dad?

Wish I can talk to you and tell you everything cuz I got so much to tell you. But I know, you know by now, God knows. How I wish I can go back to the time when you were here, dad. Cuz I just missed you so much. Its okay if we dont talk. Its enough just to see your face and sit there by my side. Silence is okay. As long as I know and see youre around.

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Sad

You know what made me really sad? I didnt get the chance to make you understand. That youre not my burden. Youre my happiness. I am happy to get the chance to do anything for you, Dad. I love you, Dad. With all my heart.

Go light your world

I will try to visit you more often. And play the song go light your candle by chris rice. I enjoy the silence. The way it was before. When you play this song over and over again. We were sitting in the living room. We werent talking. We were on our phone. While I was playing online games and you were playing this song over and over again. I enjoy the silence. How I wish we can go back to that time again......

Problems

I used to believe, theres a solution for every problems. But not anymore. Ive lost faith and hope. I really feel so hopeless. Helpless. I can feel it. I dont know until when.

If theres a solution for any problems in this world, dad wouldve been healed. But cancer has no solution. Theres no cure for cancer.

Maybe weve reached to the end. I know I am too old for this. But I always need dad. He was my life line. Whenever I reach an end, I always have dad. But now................

Sunday, December 2, 2018

Struggling to live

Suddenly I saw the video when you were strugglingto live. Its still here in my phone. And suddenly I remember everything back. Its all coming back to me. This world is not fair. You were struggling to live half to death and you were willing to do anything u can.. And you were not given the chance. Why must we face this dad? Why must we see you suffer like that? Why is this all happening to us? What is this test?

I always question myself why. I have alot of "why" questions unanswered. And till now Ive never believed we have lost you. I never thought I would see your name printed on the cross, on the banner saying you will be sadly missed, rest in peace and all.. I hate to believe what I seen. How I really wish youre still here with us. Ive never accepeted youre gone. Hard for me. Hard for us.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Vision

My vision to my future has faded now. I dont even know what to do anymore. Whatever I was about to do, was to make my dad proud of me. And now weve lost it all. I lost the cause, the source, my spirit, I never know I could lose you this fast. I havent done anything yet you have gone forever. I do know that my time will come eventually. I believe that. But im not sure anymore if we can ever be together again. Thats the thing that make me sad most of the time.

I do know my kids deserve better than this. As what dad has done for us, I should do the same for my kids. But, its not the same anymore. I have always had someone who really cared about me all these while. Who cared if I live or die. I mean I do know I still have my kids. And the rest of my family. Like I have all my hands, my feet, my body and all. But I dont have the head with me anymore. Its that feelings I was talking about.

If dad can see this, I dont ever want him to see me this way. I never want him to be sad. Maybe it will take some time. A very long time. Maybe till I die. I dont even know anymore. I dont know whats supposed to think or feel anymore.

I been the luckiest girl in the world to have such dad. But I lost him now in this world. I dont know how long will this be. I always remember how he struggled to live. Hurts me so bad. I been knocked down so hard. I cant believe I lost you. I can never believe we have lost you. And I didnt want to question God, for He knows. I used to believe thes a reason for everything that happened. Not anymore. Its just random. I just believe we have burdened dad so bad.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Sad

Sad - Maroon 5

Unforgiven

Thank you dad. For your faith in me. Youre the only one in this whole wide world whos never gave up on me. Youve never lost your faith on me. No matter how many times ive failed. And you used to tell me, weve gone through so many failure. But how lucky we were, we can still manage to go through it. The kind of burden that we were still able to carry. And you thanked God above. How grateful you were. That was that moment. And its different now. This is the failure, the kind that will forever haunt me no matter what happen. I have lost you. We have. And I blamed myself for everything. This time it hit us so bad, dad. The kind of burden thats so heavy for me to carry. I can never do this anymore, dad. I have failed so hard this time. Its knocked me down so hard. Forever to death, I will carry this feelings. I am sorry, dad. I failed.

Friday, November 23, 2018

Blame

I realize, things doesnt work with the attitude of putting the blame on others. Im not like them. Who likes to condemn others. So I dont wanna blame on people anymore. If they like to put the blame on other people, maybe I should choose the other way, I choose love over everything else. Bad words will only worsen things. We are not like them.

I will throw my words one day, I hope not. Theres a reason why dad has kept his pain as a secret and only choose to share with us, his children and wife. Now I understand why. But somehow I feel like we should tell the truth. That theyre not trustworthy. That telling them about things will not make anything better. May they realize now.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Death

I remember the time when we were so sad to death beside you on your bed at the hospital, dad. There were these people,came up to me and said to me,you have watched your dad suffers now,whats good about chemoteraphy? Is it any good? And I was speechless. What was he trying to say? What does that mean? I have already blamed myself so bad, and I was so sad that it suffers me to see you in that condition. And he has the gut to ask me that question. What the fuck?

Uncle is so in pain right now. Where are those people that used to condemn us all? What did they do? I dont see any help from them. Blame on others thats all theyre capable to do. Is that all? And they didnt even show their effort. I hate them dad. I hate your sister and her husband. I hate em so much. I am so sorry dad. But I really cant help it. They spoke like peoples lives are all in their hands. They speaks garbage. Theyre shit. Maybe cuz they eaten pigs shit. I am sorry dad. I didnt say we are right. But what they did was shit. They shouldnt have said anything. If they cant do anything to cure you, if they cant say anything nice, they shouldve remain silent. Come up and visit thats enough. I dontt need any words from anyone that moment. We dont. And I have lost my respect on em.

Gun shooting

I feel like youre watching me just now. U always came to my mind everytime. I looked at the sky, and ask, are you watching me now,dad?

I was at the shooting complex just now. Shoothing was the only thing I think I am able to do good. And I always wanted you to watch me.

Last time at the tournament me and my team managed to get to be the champion. I got the medal. Gold medal, dad. But I didnt share it with you. I never shared anything with you when you were still here cuz I know, whatever I do good now, cant compare to the hurt you felt when I didnt finish my studies. I know how much it has hurt you. Nothing of me you can be proud of anymore. Thats why I didnt share. But today I feel like youre watching me. Cuz suddenly u came into my mind. Did you watch me just now, dad?

Here I am again. Sitting alone beside your grave. I missed you alot.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Ashes

Ashes - Celine Dion

I remember I used to listen to this song over and over again. Starting from November 23rd, 2018. Thats when the doctors made the appointment to see us all and talk about dads condition. I was scared overthinking about what they might tell us. I cant even sleep well. I cried at my offices bathroom. When I got that news from my sister, I was at work. And I cant speak about it to people around me. It saddens us to death. The darkest moment has finally came.

Its been almost 3 months now. Dad has gone to meet God. I mean, I never thought it was that fast. Feels like yesterday I washed the wheelchair for dad, feed him.. I still feel so sad. We still.

I dont know what else to think.

And I hated that song now. As it said can beauty come out of ashes. Theres no more beauty. Only ashes. I have never hoped or wished anything pretty can come after dads gone.

Christmas is around the corner, dad. And nothing will ever be the same anymore without you. I never want to celebrate my birthday ever again. I swear. I hated my birthday now. I still remember how I felt. Losing you was never easy. I was filled with all tears. We all were. The worse birthday I ever had in my life. That was my last birthday. Thinking you have gone alone without anyone companying you, thinking you were scared and alone, with all darkness surrounding you on your way to meet God, our Creator. I wish I could go along with you. To company you so you wont be alone. This sadness can never be cured ever.

I still remember seeing you in tears when the first time you heard Aki has gone. You were infront of the tv playing games. You were so quiet. And I saw tears rolling on your face. Nobody understands that. I feel you now dad. I feel so sorry. But I never told you I saw that.

Rest in peace dad.. Rest in peace.. Rest in love.. Rest in love. May God the almighty forgive all your sins and take you along with Him. May God have mercy on your soul.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Your name in my lips

I can never stop speaking about you dad. how to stop me from talking about you to other people? You have always been my pride. You didnt know that. My bad. I never told you even once.

Everyone whos close to me, know, how much you mean to me. You mean the world to me. I know I am old enough to feel such way. But I feel it anyway no matter how hard I have tried to hide it.

How long will it be till we can meet again dad?

Monday, November 19, 2018

Grave visit

Visiting your grave, alone. I just sit still.

Dad, remember old times. When I told you im coming home. I would take a bus with my kids. And you will fetch us at the bus stop. I see your smile. Your cheerful face. And your willingness to fetch us tho we know its much easier for me to take a bus home with my kids. Your journey to take us will take about an hour. I know we have burdened you alot.

Here I am at your grave. Sitting alone. Visiting you. Wish I can see your smiling face again.

You are the most wonderful dad ive ever known. No one and nothing can compare you. You are the perfect thing living ever happened to us. Wish you know this. I love you dad. With all my heart. Now and forever.

Dad, I think today I made a great decision. I didnt want anyone to feel like I am a great and perfect person. So I told them the truth.

I will visit you every now and then. And pray for you everyday. I promise you that.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Story about black magic

You guys talking about black magic. I do know guys interest in their own physical strength. Theyre talking to each other about it. Like if they ever get the chance to learn black magic.

Try ask me. I am really interested in black magic. I wish I have that power to heal peoples diseases. I wish I had the power to heal dad. Even if God wanted to take him, I wish it wasnt that painful for dad. How I wished he died in sleep in his old days. But things have turned completely different, far from what I have thought. Dads gone with indescribable pain. I am sorry dad. I have let you died in such pain. There was nothing I can do. I am always useless. I have always been your disappointment. Ive failed. Once again. And this time, its really heavy. That my world has changed forever. I am sorry dad.

Friday, November 16, 2018

He aint here anymore

I have to remind myself a few times,before I realize daddy isnt here anymore,everytime.when he was here,he was my life line.the last person I will refer my problems to.cuz I didnt want to burden him much.cuz I know he had enough burden since I was little.at least I have someone to depend on when theres nothing else I can do.but now,I gotta find my own way to solve my problems when I meet a dead end.I just dont feel safe anymore.I always forgot that I have God with me.that God has always been the most powerful and almighty.he made me realize that I have God.im grateful that I have You,God.and im thankful for everything.thank You,God.thank you,Dad..I always hope God will take good care of you up there.

Today everything went smooth and well.I have faced a problem and solve it with succeed.how was it possible?its all cuz of God.Thank you God,for everything.may I will never forget,that You are the root.that You made everything possible.that we always have You.Thank you God.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

End

We are going to witness this.Its all going to lose.All hope,all ambitions..Nothing to feel,nothing to achieve,nothing to prove no more..This is all going down.Zero.The clock feels like meeting its end.Sad.Its so sad.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

The plants, the trees, clouds send my regards to Dad

Looking at these trees, clouds with rains pouring down, and wind blowing soft, with THE SWEET ESCAPE playing over the phone, with thoughts in my mind, I cried. Seeing the plants you have planted growing beautifully, I wonder, did you see all these?

I been talking to these trees, whispering in my heart, I been asking them, did they know, that you have gone? Or have they seen you over the past few days? And if they did, I told them to send my regards to you. To tell you how much we are missing you. And that we will always love you.

Dad, if only you can see yourself through my eyes, only then you will realize, how perfect, special and great you are. You wouldnt ask yourself the question, "Why I been trying so hard to do whatever I can, just for you."

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Religions


And suddenly I came across to this blog by someone. A coincidence?



Nesiaweek

Justru Setelah Jadi Muslim, Aku Tahu Kristen Itu Benar

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Inilah yang ingin kukatakan padamu, Ibu, dengan setulus hatiku: justru setelah aku menjadi muslim, maka aku makin yakin bahwa Kristen, agama kalian, tidak salah”
Pindah agama, kerap membawa konsekuensi yang dahsyat. Tapi lelaki initoh tetap menempuhnya. Lelaki Batak yang dibesarkan dalam iman Kristen ini menyeberang ke Islam, dan menikah dengan seorang muslimah. Ops, bukan karena wanita itu, tetapi karena pergulatan batin, termasuk setelah membaca sebuah buku tulisan Ahmad Dedad.
Dan benar, dia pun harus memelas kepada ibunya, manusia yang paling dihormatinya di muka bumi.
Ibuku yang kucintai, jangan lagi terus-terusan engkau berdiam diri dan menjauhi menantumu itu. Dia sangat baik, Ibu. Dia sudah banyak berkorban untukku, juga untuk ketiga cucumu
Entah sengaja abai, atau memang tidak “tersosialisasi” dengan memadai, tidak banyak yang menyadari Islam dan Kristen adalah agama yang paling banyak persamaannya. Ironisnya, dua agama ini pula yang paling banyak menorehkan sejarah kelam permusuhan hingga hari ini.
Perpindahan keyakinan dari Islam ke Kristen dan sebaliknya, terasa lebih “seru” dibanding ke agama di luar itu, padahal, jika dicermati dengan pikiran jernih, Kristen dan Islam kadang terlihat seperti dua sekte dari satu agama.
Allazina amanu wa ‘amalussalehah,” itu kalimat yang paling sering muncul di Al-Qur’an. Artinya? Ada di Alkitab, Mazmur (37:3) “Percayalah kepada Tuhan dan lakukanlah yang baik.”
Itu barangkali pesan yang ingin disampaikan Jarar ketika menuliskan kalimat yang menggetarkan, yang jadi judul tulisan ini.
Inilah yang ingin kukatakan padamu, Ibu, dengan setulus hatiku: justru setelah aku menjadi muslim, maka aku makin yakin bahwa Kristen, agama kalian, tidak salah
Al-Qur’an tidak pernah mengingkari Yesus Kristus, Isa Putra Maryam. Bahkan narasi tentang Isa dalam Al-Qur’an adalah salah satu cerita yang paling rinci di antara kisah-kisah utusan Allah. Penghormatan kepada sosok ini juga istimewa: Kalamullah (Kata-kata Allah) dan Ruhullah (Ruh dari Allah).
Disebut Kalamullah, karena Isa sudah bisa berkata-kata semasa bayi. Dipastikan, kata-kata itu memang milik Allah, karena bayi manusia biasa jelas belum bisa bicara. Disebut Ruhullah, karena dia memang ruh yang ditiupkan ke tubuh perawan Maria.
Meski tidak mengakuinya sebagai anak Tuhan atau Tuhan itu sendiri, Al-Qur’an mengakui Isa adalah sosok yang “mengandung” keilahian lebih, bahkan dibanding Rasulullah Muhammad SAW, yang punya riwayat genetik manusia biasa.
OK, Adam memang diciptakan tanpa ayah dan ibu, tetapi jelas-jelas dikatakan dibuat dari tanah. Sementara Isa, adalah ruh yang ditiupkan Allah ke tubuh seorang gadis yang belum pernah disentuh lelaki.
Satu-satunya perbedaan, dan sialnya membawa dampak teologis yang luar biasa, adalah soal cerita penyaliban Yesus. Bila Kristianitas mengakui Yesus merasakan penderitaan di kayu salib untuk menebus dosa manusia, Islam menolaknya, karena Allah telah lebih dahulu mengangkatnya ke langit.
Tapi benar-benar cuma di episode itu! Baik Kristen maupun Islam, sama-sama menyebutkan Isa atau Yesus akan turun menjelang hari perhitungan. Meski disebut dalam hadist-hadist shahih, artinya diucapkan oleh Muhammad SAW sendiri, saat ini memang muncul pengingkaran terhadap hal itu di kalangan umat Islam.
Di lain pihak, tidak sedikit kaum muslimin yang beranggapan, “Penerus Pekerjaan” yang disebut-sebut Yesus dalam Yohannes 14:16-26 adalah Muhammad SAW. Klaim yang tentu saja dibantah habis-habisan oleh umat Kristiani. (Hufh! Dua kakak beradik, anak-anak Ibrahim ini emang paling susah diakurin!)
Momen yang bisa dipastikan akan merekonsiliasi dua “sekte” yang berbeda ini adalah saat turunnya Yesus, Isa Al Masih ke bumi. Islam menyebutnya akan meneruskan ajaran Muhammad, sementara Kristen menegaskan Yesus datang demi Kerjaan Surga. Lagi-lagi adu klaim.
Sayangnya, kita mungkin tidak cukup beruntung untuk mendengar langsung dari Isa, siapa benar, siapa salah, atau sebenarnya sama-sama benar, tetapi dipahami salah.
*****
Jika memang Kristen sudah diketahuinya benar, mengapa tak balik lagi ke sana? Kan seorang Jarar Siahaan tidak perlu berhadapan dengan kerepotan-kerepotan itu? Tentu saja, hanya dia yang tahu, dan saya tidak menganjurkannya untuk menerangkan kepada kita. Agama bagi saya bukanlah perayaan komunitas, tetapi jalan sunyi menuju Sang Kebenaran.
Tapi saya jadi ingat obrolan asyik dengan Almarhum Bapak saat saya masih SMA dulu. Dia berpanjanglebar menjawab pertanyaanku yang singkat saja: “Mengapa Tuhan menurunkan agama lebih dari satu?”
Tuhan itu Mahabaik, demokratis kata orang sekarang. Dia mau berepot-repot mendesain beberapa agama, karena Dia ingin memenuhi selera beriman manusia yang berbeda-beda. Satu agama sebenarnya lebih cocok buat seseorang, atau suatu kaum, daripada agama yang lain.
Kau misalnya, kurasa lebih cocok kau jadi Kristen. Kau beriman, dan sebisanya berusaha berbuat baik. Tapi kau malas shalat, malas dengan begitu banyak ritual-ritual yang tertata rinci, yang menjadi ciri Islam. Kau pun selalu bilang, lebih percaya cinta daripada keadilan. Cinta itu esensi Kristen, sementara keadilan adalah pesan utama Islam.
Cobalah mulai kau pelajari Alkitab pelan-pelan, huehehehehe…
Saat itu, ungkapannya itu cuma kumaknai sebagai sindiran halus, karena shalatku bolong-bolong (hal yang masih terus lestari hingga saat ini). Tetapi kalau dipikir-pikir, mungkin ada benarnya juga… Sebuah agama lebih cocok bagi seseorang, atau suatu kaum, daripada agama lain.
  • Bila Anda memahami Tuhan sebagai Yang Mahaamatbaik, sedemikian baiknya hingga rela mengorbankan “anak” satu-satunya menebus dosamu, pilihlah Kristen. Tapi nggacukup gitu aja dong. Percaya kepada Yesus Sang Penebus, berarti harus hidup dengan cinta kasih. No free lunch, Dear…
  • Bila Anda percaya Tuhan memang Mahabaik, tapi ngga segitu baiknya, sebab hanya akan mengampuni dosa-dosamu lewat pertobatan, monggo ke Islam. Shalatlah minimal lima kali sehari semalam, puasa minimal sebulan dalam setahun, bersedekah, dst. Untuk apa? Bukti kepatuhanmu kepada Tuhan, dan melatihmu berlaku adil kepada sesama manusia.
  • Silakan diperpanjang sendiri deh listnya. Udah mulai puyeng nih.
Kesimpualannya aja deh. Lae Jarar mungkin merasa, desain Islam lebih memenuhi “style imannya” daripada agama sebelumnya. Jadi, sama sekali bukan tentang ini benar, itu salah. Mudah-mudahan terkaan saya benar, sebab kalau tidak, berarti saya salah. @#$%^%$# Pusiiiiing
Wallahu a’lam.
Kalo Anda belum pusing, monggo cicipi tulisan ini juga.
Jika Semua Agama Benar, Tuhan Tampaknya Sedang Belajar




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Daddy is not here

Me and my brother went to daddys grave yesterday. To light his candles for All Soul. I was at grandmas grave at first. My bro has reached to daddys grave first. And when I arrived to daddys grave, the rain started to pour. I feel awkward. And I began to thinking, daddy didnt want me there. I didnt get the chance to light candles for him. And I was sad. When we r on our way to get into the car, before going out from the cemetary, the rain slows down. And I walked back to his grave. Maybe he hears me. I tried to light the candles. But the wind was strong. So I touched his cross and we went home. I was wondering, did really daddy hears me? Why was the rain pouring down when I reached to his grave? If hes on the other side, I was wondering is he ok? Is he fine? Is he in good health now? Is he happy? Is he afraid? My mind cant stop thinking about what had happened

Then I got a dream. The surrounding was so dark. And cloudy. I was at home. And next to our home was the Blessed Sacrament Church. And I heard they were singing a Gospel song. "I surrender all, I surrender all, all to Jesus I surrender, I surrender all." And there I was crying. I cried so hard. Thinking daddy isnt in this world anymore. I was so sad. For the first time, I dreamed and realised daddys isnt in this world anymore. What was all that? A message to me? Is daddy trying to tell something? Or is it God trying to tell me something?

We all believe daddy is on his continuation day. Hes alive still, on the other side. All religions teach that. But how come we cant communicate with each other? Why? I just wanna know if daddy is okay. Am I crazy? I feel like im losing hope on this life. I am scared. I dont know how to go on.

I never want daddy to worry anymore. I want him to find God. To search for the light to Gods way. I really hope God will guide him. God please take good care of daddy. Please take him to your side. Hes new to the other world. Please forgive all his sins against You. Please God, help us to look after him. Please...

Monday, October 29, 2018

Selfish

Are we not selfish enough, praying for dad to look after us from up above? Enough all the burdens we have put on him when he was still here.

I cry everytime I listen to "Just when I needed you most." I still remember his face so clear. The time when he started sick. When he was diagnosed with this stage 4 rectum cancer. That moment was the beginning of our sorrow. I can never forget everything.From his happy face, with true strength and confidence. To his surviving face. He was trying to survive. He was in indescribable pain.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Bapa kami yang ada di syurga

On my way to work, I sang this song. My sisters used to sing this song to dad when he just lay there in bed. And I cried. I have really lost dad.

I remember the time when I hold his hands from taking off the tube from his nose. He wanted to take off the oxygen mask as well. I didnt realize, that his mouth is already dried and there was dry blood everywhere in his mouth. It was heartbreaking. I know he was in pain, but I blamed myself for causing that too. He tried telling us. But no ones paying attention. He was asking for water to drink.

Uncle sick

Today, my brother with my uncles went to the hospital. Cuz my uncle was sick. He was in pain since the past few months. And it reminds me of dad again. When we say our prayers to dad, I cried. I cant hold it.

I never slept late like this since my dad has gone to meet the Almighty God. But all memories just came back to me again. The memories when daddy was in pain.

I feel so sorry. I was poor. That I cant make my dad stays here longer. I feel so sorry. For all people whos in pain. And my uncle. I just hope everything goes well. No matter what God wanted to happen. I realize now, that nothing can stop Gods will. I never blamed God. I believe and I know God has given us the chances to look after dad while hes still here. I still feel dads around. I understand and I know, dad has been burdened alot. Beyond his ability. All these while. God knows.

Coincidence

My dad was sick and in pain. I lived far from him. About 3 hrs driving. And I always pick him from this home to the hospital every two weeks. 3 months before God took him home, my son was dropped out from school. And according to the school principal, theres no other way, for my son to get back to school, unless we move out to some where else. And I was still holding on.

Then one day, a friend helped me. She told my very big boss that I had a problem, that I wanted to discuss with him. So my boss called me to his room. And he did asked me whats the problem. And I told him about my son. And he feels sorry about it. He said he will try to help me.

Meanwhile, at the same time, I can no longer afford to pay our house rental. Since I have made a massive personal loan. And I can no longer afford to live alone with my sons. So, the only way, is for me to move out with my sons to my parents home.

And then, a week after, the boss called me. Asking me, if I was sure about moving close to my parents and started work there. I was mixed up. I didnt want to. But I had to. My sons need this. So my boss, told me to come up to him with a firm decision. At my parents hometown, where dad and mom lived. I was so sad. I couldnt leave there cuz its where my sons grew up. And I was thinking about the religions differences. What if, all people surroundings cant accept us? What will they think? How will my sons get used to new environment. All questions came to mess my head.


I have asked dad, what to do. I have asked for his advices and opinion. He was sick for Gods sake. And I was still depending on his opinion. And suprise me, like he didnt want me to depend on his advice anymore. Unlike before. And he told me to think for my childrens good sake. Well, I didnt come back to my boss to tell him whats my decision. Cuz I didnt know what to do. I was like, in the middle of nowhere. But, luckily, without telling me, with his power and will, he just proceeded with the his own decision. He has assigned me to work to a closer place to my parents. My parents hometown. Well, I did cry. I was scared. Of that unwanted feelings. I thought, my boss had pushed me away. And my dad, didnt want me here. So I cried thinking about my kids.


Then, what I did was, I just go with the flow. So here I am. And 3 months after I moved out to here, my dad has been called home by God.

And when God took him home, with a coincidence I suddenly saw this video promoted by mindvalley. A video that has changed my view forever, on Death. Its called "Death is a fiction, it doesnt exist".

And theres an unsolved and unanswered mistery, that I was thinking. Was all these a coincidence?

Diamond

Speaking about diamond, the words that came out from my daddy, keep playing on my mind. He said, I was his diamond. He been carefully looking after me, like a diamond all these while. But somehow, one day, I was slipped off his hands. Someone took me, and thought I was rubbish. And treat me like garbage. He never knew, I was someones diamond. Well, I hated talking about that guy. I know I shouldnt talk bad about him. I know, I was trying to be a nice person all these while so I been keeping my mouth shut. But well, hes a jerk anyway. Just wasting my time to recall even a tiny thing about him. I wouldnt want to mess my own head. But I had to, since thats the nicest thing someone ever said to me. And hes my father. It is very true, the fact to why a daughter loves their daddy the most. Cuz at least, theres one person in this whole wide world that wont hurt her, ever.


Memories

I will keep every and each memories I have had with dad. No matter how worse those memories were. Its not because I cant, but I didnt want to. I rather feel the pain, rather than not remembering and feeling anything at all. I dont mind the pain I felt.

I didnt like hospital and cemetary earlier before. Years before. Well its more to I dont have any feelings towards it. I never thought that I will have to consider em as my second home later.

Now I think, if I ever wanted to find an inspiration, hospital where daddy breathe his last breath, and cemetary where hes buried will be the place I will choose to go. Im not scared of the cemetary anymore. It will be a place where I can ease my mind the most.


Monday, October 22, 2018

2017

While doing my work, closing an old file, I see it was dated 9.10.2017. And I speak to myself, daddy was still here with us. It was his last birthday. Was only last year. Trying to remember how it was celebrated. And I cant remember. The only memories of him that I have left in my head was, the moment when he was in pain at the hospital. Everytime that thought came into my head, I am trying to let it go, but I realize I didnt want to. No matter how bad or good the memories were, if it was of him, I dont want to get rid of em. I will live like that. Till the end.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Time Travel

If I could travel through time, trust me, I will find dad again. I will improve whatevers lack. I dont mind doing the same thing over and over again.

My look on death has changed. A slightly different way. I always think about death. And I always try to imagine, how my dad has been since the past 51 days. Is he still seeing us without us knowing, is he here? Can he hear us? Is he not in pain now? Is he in good condition?

Death, means nothing is ever the same anymore. You cant see dad whenever you want to, talk to him whenever you want to, or call him, its all lost. How I wish he still has his phone with him. I mean, I know we dont talk much when he was here, but hes always there whenever I wanted to talk, get advise. Hes not here anymore. Its empty. Hard to explain.

I never like anyone refer my dad as a deceased. Thats very rude. Hes always live with us. Within us. I always talk like hes still around. Id like to think and feel that way forever. Dont talk to me like my dad is dead. Hes still here.


Saturday, October 20, 2018

Dreams

Yesterday I dreamed about daddy. He came into my dreams. He was so healthy, strong that he can drive on his own. I didnt talk to him. I just talk to mom. I said, "Look mom, dad is healthy and strong now". And I didnt even remember that hes gone to meet God. I wake up quick. And find out it was just a dream. And, I cried. Tears rollin so easy. I missed dad very much. Like I havent seen him for ages.

That night before I sleep, I had a quiet night alone at the back of this home. And I was having a conversation to me, alone. I feel so sad. That dads gone. And I told dad, to bring me with him. I wanna go with him. I dont have the heart for this world anymore. Everythings so frustrating. And I said I lost all the strength. I was nearly cried. But I hold it. I continued doing my laundry and I stopped the conversation before tears running down to my face. And that was the night when I dreamed about him. After all these while, he never came into my dreams.

Well, its just a dream. Doesnt mean anything. I just wanna keep it here so the memories will stay when I lose all my consciousness as im getting older. I will read this again.

The greatest

I believe daddys the best dad in the world. The greatest of all. He made us all think, we are special. Every each of his children. No ones left behind. Just how many people can do that? I always have that thought that I was the only one whos been loved all these while. I was wrong. When daddys gone, we all talked. And I realized, all of us are loved equally. And every each of us has a special memory with dad. I was surprised. I never knew. Hes really an amazing and wonderful dad. He can make every each of us feel special. We loved him when hes still here with us, we love him still, and we will always love him. I thank you for all dad. For being my dad. The kind of dad no one ever had. You have taught us that love is real. Thank you dad, I know you know how grateful I am to be your daughter. Youre the greatest ever. When im dead, I will always wanna find you. I hope I will find you again somehow, someday.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Death and cemetary

When I see people with cancer, I just thought about daddy. When I go to the hospital again, I will see daddy everywhere. I feel so sad. What a loss!

When people around talk about money, or whatever they own, and theyre proud of it, I just thought, none of that we can bring to our death. When were dead, we will leave everyone and everything behind. Theres not even a little chance to say anything to anyone. We just go in seconds. Out of our consciousness. We cant control. Thats just what I thought.

I was always afraid of the cemetery. Cuz of my imagination that bad soul wanders there. That was me before. Me now, I see cemetary as beautiful place. The memory really changed the way I look and think about death. And the cemetary. I can feel daddy is sleeping in there. I can feel daddys around me when I come to visit the cemetary where hes buried.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Anyway

A poem by the Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

"Anyway"

People are often unreasonable; illogical, and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Flirty

I hate almost everything right now. I hate to see married guys whos trying to flirt with somebody else. I thought about their wife and kids. What about em?

I dont see any guys who can be compared to my dad anymore. His kind is no longer here on earth. I wish my sons will grow up to be like him or better than him.

Worst thing

"The worst thing in the world is watching someone you love suffers in pain when there is nothing you can do to stop it."

I was there till his last breath. Waiting, watching, praying and crying all the time. Hoping for miracles while the doctors keep coming and telling us that he aint gonna make it. Its hurtful, painful, so sad, so dark. I still remember how it felt. Ive never experienced the feelings ever. It was really hurt. And I almost cried writing this.

They said, remember him in his good day. Dont remember him that way. But thats the only memory that keep playing in my head. I keep asking "WHY". And it was left unanswered. Its so heartbreaking. Youve never burdened me daddy. I loved you with all my heart. And I was trying to do my best. If love alone could save you, you wouldnt be gone forever. You would still be here with us. We all loved you with all our hearts. But it wasnt enough. Just breaking our hearts to see you suffered alot.

I hope God really took care of you. You are a very important person. You deserved Gods love and forgiveness. May God keep you close to Him. May God saves your soul.

Lies

Lies is when I told all my family members to not mourn on our loss. While im still mourning hard and sad about our loss. Ive got to be strong for everyone. Rest in peace, dad. Till we meet again. And when that happens, please come and fetch me, like you did old times. I hope to see you first when im about to leave the world. Theres a reason why God took you first. So you can come and fetch us later, dad. See you when I get there. Forget us not. May God take a great care of you and forgive all your sins. For you have suffered enough while youre here. I have asked God to not make you suffer more when you were in pain. I have trade me for you. I am willing to suffer for you if it wasnt enough. That was my birthday wish.

Good night, dad.

My fathers dreams

Eversince I was in high school I have my own diaries. To write down my feelings everyday. And my studies was more to journalist stream. My father had a hope on me. He wanted me to become a childrens book writer. And said he would like to see my name on a book to be read by school children.

I remember on one fine day, me, my dad and mom sat on a table in a chinese restaurant. And he talked about his dreams on me. That was his dreams. But I ruined it. I took a different path and it was on my own choice. I was told that he cried during that time. Cuz I destroyed all. His dreams to see me grow as a successsful person was over. It didnt stop there. I keep bugging him with my unhappy relationship. I wont call that as a marriage cuz I never felt that way. I was never married. I didnt regret having my two special sons but I regret cuz I gave up on my future, my dads dreams. Thats what I regret the most. And he never have up on me. He keeps on helping me with his time, his energy and money. He doesnt even care about that. I remember having a conversation with him alone in his car on our way home. He said, I was his diamond. And he took care of me since I was little. But somehow I was slipped from his hands and someone took me and thought I was rubbish. That someone didnt know how precious I was. And treat me like rubbish. Thats what he said. He has forced me to open up my mind and get up. He made me feel like I am important though I almost gave up again for the second time.

He was a wonderful father. Thats why I said hes the greatest father in the world. Hes a great example to all fathers in the world. And I was so lucky and honored and grateful to have him as my father. I dont know how we are even related cuz I dont deserve him. I was a very ungrateful daughter.

There was one day too,I still remember when he said, I am the pilot of my own life. "40 years from now, maybe I am still there for you. But whats gonna happen after that? Whos gonna look after you?." That was almost 20years ago before God took him home. I have burdened him alot. It hasnt reached 40years yet but I have already burdened him beyond his ability. It is time for him to rest.

I cried so hard but nothing can bring him back to life. Whatever I said, or felt can never bring him back. I have no one to depend on, to turn to. I am really on my own this time. I have to go through everything without him. My heart said I have burdened him alot and now its time for him to rest.

40days

Missing my dad as the days go by. Its already passed 40 days since hes gone. It felt so empty. Since hes the only one I turned to whenever im at the bottom of this life. I never thought that I could lose him in just seconds. I forgot about God. That He can take whatever he wants, whoever, whenever.

Back to the old days when the doctor called us all, the moment I came in to see daddy, hes just laying on bed. With the oxygen and all the needles and drips, my tears came rolling down to my face. I felt so sad to see him in such condition. Dad can still see me. He heard me. And thats the moment I wont forget ever, he said "Dont cry. Everything will be okay." Makes me cry even harder. Hes still trying to comfort me with his lies. He lied. And all tears just wont dry.

That was my darkest moment. My birthday this year was so sad. In case if anyone wanna know. I spent all day with my family. But with daddy just laying on bed in pain. I have hoped and made a wish. For my daddy to be healed. I thought I could make a wish on my birthday. I have spent the whole day with tears. Its all very unexpected. He was the strongest man I ever know. I never thought that I could lose him. And I never believed that till now. I dont want to. Dad is still here with us. He will always be here, with us. Always.