Are we not selfish enough, praying for dad to look after us from up above? Enough all the burdens we have put on him when he was still here.
I cry everytime I listen to "Just when I needed you most." I still remember his face so clear. The time when he started sick. When he was diagnosed with this stage 4 rectum cancer. That moment was the beginning of our sorrow. I can never forget everything.From his happy face, with true strength and confidence. To his surviving face. He was trying to survive. He was in indescribable pain.
Monday, October 29, 2018
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Bapa kami yang ada di syurga
On my way to work, I sang this song. My sisters used to sing this song to dad when he just lay there in bed. And I cried. I have really lost dad.
I remember the time when I hold his hands from taking off the tube from his nose. He wanted to take off the oxygen mask as well. I didnt realize, that his mouth is already dried and there was dry blood everywhere in his mouth. It was heartbreaking. I know he was in pain, but I blamed myself for causing that too. He tried telling us. But no ones paying attention. He was asking for water to drink.
I remember the time when I hold his hands from taking off the tube from his nose. He wanted to take off the oxygen mask as well. I didnt realize, that his mouth is already dried and there was dry blood everywhere in his mouth. It was heartbreaking. I know he was in pain, but I blamed myself for causing that too. He tried telling us. But no ones paying attention. He was asking for water to drink.
Uncle sick
Today, my brother with my uncles went to the hospital. Cuz my uncle was sick. He was in pain since the past few months. And it reminds me of dad again. When we say our prayers to dad, I cried. I cant hold it.
I never slept late like this since my dad has gone to meet the Almighty God. But all memories just came back to me again. The memories when daddy was in pain.
I feel so sorry. I was poor. That I cant make my dad stays here longer. I feel so sorry. For all people whos in pain. And my uncle. I just hope everything goes well. No matter what God wanted to happen. I realize now, that nothing can stop Gods will. I never blamed God. I believe and I know God has given us the chances to look after dad while hes still here. I still feel dads around. I understand and I know, dad has been burdened alot. Beyond his ability. All these while. God knows.
I never slept late like this since my dad has gone to meet the Almighty God. But all memories just came back to me again. The memories when daddy was in pain.
I feel so sorry. I was poor. That I cant make my dad stays here longer. I feel so sorry. For all people whos in pain. And my uncle. I just hope everything goes well. No matter what God wanted to happen. I realize now, that nothing can stop Gods will. I never blamed God. I believe and I know God has given us the chances to look after dad while hes still here. I still feel dads around. I understand and I know, dad has been burdened alot. Beyond his ability. All these while. God knows.
Coincidence
My dad was sick and in pain. I lived far from him. About 3 hrs driving. And I always pick him from this home to the hospital every two weeks. 3 months before God took him home, my son was dropped out from school. And according to the school principal, theres no other way, for my son to get back to school, unless we move out to some where else. And I was still holding on.
Then one day, a friend helped me. She told my very big boss that I had a problem, that I wanted to discuss with him. So my boss called me to his room. And he did asked me whats the problem. And I told him about my son. And he feels sorry about it. He said he will try to help me.
Meanwhile, at the same time, I can no longer afford to pay our house rental. Since I have made a massive personal loan. And I can no longer afford to live alone with my sons. So, the only way, is for me to move out with my sons to my parents home.
And then, a week after, the boss called me. Asking me, if I was sure about moving close to my parents and started work there. I was mixed up. I didnt want to. But I had to. My sons need this. So my boss, told me to come up to him with a firm decision. At my parents hometown, where dad and mom lived. I was so sad. I couldnt leave there cuz its where my sons grew up. And I was thinking about the religions differences. What if, all people surroundings cant accept us? What will they think? How will my sons get used to new environment. All questions came to mess my head.
I have asked dad, what to do. I have asked for his advices and opinion. He was sick for Gods sake. And I was still depending on his opinion. And suprise me, like he didnt want me to depend on his advice anymore. Unlike before. And he told me to think for my childrens good sake. Well, I didnt come back to my boss to tell him whats my decision. Cuz I didnt know what to do. I was like, in the middle of nowhere. But, luckily, without telling me, with his power and will, he just proceeded with the his own decision. He has assigned me to work to a closer place to my parents. My parents hometown. Well, I did cry. I was scared. Of that unwanted feelings. I thought, my boss had pushed me away. And my dad, didnt want me here. So I cried thinking about my kids.
Then, what I did was, I just go with the flow. So here I am. And 3 months after I moved out to here, my dad has been called home by God.
And when God took him home, with a coincidence I suddenly saw this video promoted by mindvalley. A video that has changed my view forever, on Death. Its called "Death is a fiction, it doesnt exist".
And theres an unsolved and unanswered mistery, that I was thinking. Was all these a coincidence?
Then one day, a friend helped me. She told my very big boss that I had a problem, that I wanted to discuss with him. So my boss called me to his room. And he did asked me whats the problem. And I told him about my son. And he feels sorry about it. He said he will try to help me.
Meanwhile, at the same time, I can no longer afford to pay our house rental. Since I have made a massive personal loan. And I can no longer afford to live alone with my sons. So, the only way, is for me to move out with my sons to my parents home.
And then, a week after, the boss called me. Asking me, if I was sure about moving close to my parents and started work there. I was mixed up. I didnt want to. But I had to. My sons need this. So my boss, told me to come up to him with a firm decision. At my parents hometown, where dad and mom lived. I was so sad. I couldnt leave there cuz its where my sons grew up. And I was thinking about the religions differences. What if, all people surroundings cant accept us? What will they think? How will my sons get used to new environment. All questions came to mess my head.
Then, what I did was, I just go with the flow. So here I am. And 3 months after I moved out to here, my dad has been called home by God.
And when God took him home, with a coincidence I suddenly saw this video promoted by mindvalley. A video that has changed my view forever, on Death. Its called "Death is a fiction, it doesnt exist".
And theres an unsolved and unanswered mistery, that I was thinking. Was all these a coincidence?
Diamond
Speaking about diamond, the words that came out from my daddy, keep playing on my mind. He said, I was his diamond. He been carefully looking after me, like a diamond all these while. But somehow, one day, I was slipped off his hands. Someone took me, and thought I was rubbish. And treat me like garbage. He never knew, I was someones diamond. Well, I hated talking about that guy. I know I shouldnt talk bad about him. I know, I was trying to be a nice person all these while so I been keeping my mouth shut. But well, hes a jerk anyway. Just wasting my time to recall even a tiny thing about him. I wouldnt want to mess my own head. But I had to, since thats the nicest thing someone ever said to me. And hes my father. It is very true, the fact to why a daughter loves their daddy the most. Cuz at least, theres one person in this whole wide world that wont hurt her, ever.
Memories
I will keep every and each memories I have had with dad. No matter how worse those memories were. Its not because I cant, but I didnt want to. I rather feel the pain, rather than not remembering and feeling anything at all. I dont mind the pain I felt.
I didnt like hospital and cemetary earlier before. Years before. Well its more to I dont have any feelings towards it. I never thought that I will have to consider em as my second home later.
Now I think, if I ever wanted to find an inspiration, hospital where daddy breathe his last breath, and cemetary where hes buried will be the place I will choose to go. Im not scared of the cemetary anymore. It will be a place where I can ease my mind the most.
I didnt like hospital and cemetary earlier before. Years before. Well its more to I dont have any feelings towards it. I never thought that I will have to consider em as my second home later.
Now I think, if I ever wanted to find an inspiration, hospital where daddy breathe his last breath, and cemetary where hes buried will be the place I will choose to go. Im not scared of the cemetary anymore. It will be a place where I can ease my mind the most.
Monday, October 22, 2018
2017
While doing my work, closing an old file, I see it was dated 9.10.2017. And I speak to myself, daddy was still here with us. It was his last birthday. Was only last year. Trying to remember how it was celebrated. And I cant remember. The only memories of him that I have left in my head was, the moment when he was in pain at the hospital. Everytime that thought came into my head, I am trying to let it go, but I realize I didnt want to. No matter how bad or good the memories were, if it was of him, I dont want to get rid of em. I will live like that. Till the end.
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Time Travel
If I could travel through time, trust me, I will find dad again. I will improve whatevers lack. I dont mind doing the same thing over and over again.
My look on death has changed. A slightly different way. I always think about death. And I always try to imagine, how my dad has been since the past 51 days. Is he still seeing us without us knowing, is he here? Can he hear us? Is he not in pain now? Is he in good condition?
Death, means nothing is ever the same anymore. You cant see dad whenever you want to, talk to him whenever you want to, or call him, its all lost. How I wish he still has his phone with him. I mean, I know we dont talk much when he was here, but hes always there whenever I wanted to talk, get advise. Hes not here anymore. Its empty. Hard to explain.
I never like anyone refer my dad as a deceased. Thats very rude. Hes always live with us. Within us. I always talk like hes still around. Id like to think and feel that way forever. Dont talk to me like my dad is dead. Hes still here.
My look on death has changed. A slightly different way. I always think about death. And I always try to imagine, how my dad has been since the past 51 days. Is he still seeing us without us knowing, is he here? Can he hear us? Is he not in pain now? Is he in good condition?
Death, means nothing is ever the same anymore. You cant see dad whenever you want to, talk to him whenever you want to, or call him, its all lost. How I wish he still has his phone with him. I mean, I know we dont talk much when he was here, but hes always there whenever I wanted to talk, get advise. Hes not here anymore. Its empty. Hard to explain.
I never like anyone refer my dad as a deceased. Thats very rude. Hes always live with us. Within us. I always talk like hes still around. Id like to think and feel that way forever. Dont talk to me like my dad is dead. Hes still here.
Saturday, October 20, 2018
Dreams
Yesterday I dreamed about daddy. He came into my dreams. He was so healthy, strong that he can drive on his own. I didnt talk to him. I just talk to mom. I said, "Look mom, dad is healthy and strong now". And I didnt even remember that hes gone to meet God. I wake up quick. And find out it was just a dream. And, I cried. Tears rollin so easy. I missed dad very much. Like I havent seen him for ages.
That night before I sleep, I had a quiet night alone at the back of this home. And I was having a conversation to me, alone. I feel so sad. That dads gone. And I told dad, to bring me with him. I wanna go with him. I dont have the heart for this world anymore. Everythings so frustrating. And I said I lost all the strength. I was nearly cried. But I hold it. I continued doing my laundry and I stopped the conversation before tears running down to my face. And that was the night when I dreamed about him. After all these while, he never came into my dreams.
Well, its just a dream. Doesnt mean anything. I just wanna keep it here so the memories will stay when I lose all my consciousness as im getting older. I will read this again.
That night before I sleep, I had a quiet night alone at the back of this home. And I was having a conversation to me, alone. I feel so sad. That dads gone. And I told dad, to bring me with him. I wanna go with him. I dont have the heart for this world anymore. Everythings so frustrating. And I said I lost all the strength. I was nearly cried. But I hold it. I continued doing my laundry and I stopped the conversation before tears running down to my face. And that was the night when I dreamed about him. After all these while, he never came into my dreams.
Well, its just a dream. Doesnt mean anything. I just wanna keep it here so the memories will stay when I lose all my consciousness as im getting older. I will read this again.
The greatest
I believe daddys the best dad in the world. The greatest of all. He made us all think, we are special. Every each of his children. No ones left behind. Just how many people can do that? I always have that thought that I was the only one whos been loved all these while. I was wrong. When daddys gone, we all talked. And I realized, all of us are loved equally. And every each of us has a special memory with dad. I was surprised. I never knew. Hes really an amazing and wonderful dad. He can make every each of us feel special. We loved him when hes still here with us, we love him still, and we will always love him. I thank you for all dad. For being my dad. The kind of dad no one ever had. You have taught us that love is real. Thank you dad, I know you know how grateful I am to be your daughter. Youre the greatest ever. When im dead, I will always wanna find you. I hope I will find you again somehow, someday.
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Death and cemetary
When I see people with cancer, I just thought about daddy. When I go to the hospital again, I will see daddy everywhere. I feel so sad. What a loss!
When people around talk about money, or whatever they own, and theyre proud of it, I just thought, none of that we can bring to our death. When were dead, we will leave everyone and everything behind. Theres not even a little chance to say anything to anyone. We just go in seconds. Out of our consciousness. We cant control. Thats just what I thought.
I was always afraid of the cemetery. Cuz of my imagination that bad soul wanders there. That was me before. Me now, I see cemetary as beautiful place. The memory really changed the way I look and think about death. And the cemetary. I can feel daddy is sleeping in there. I can feel daddys around me when I come to visit the cemetary where hes buried.
When people around talk about money, or whatever they own, and theyre proud of it, I just thought, none of that we can bring to our death. When were dead, we will leave everyone and everything behind. Theres not even a little chance to say anything to anyone. We just go in seconds. Out of our consciousness. We cant control. Thats just what I thought.
I was always afraid of the cemetery. Cuz of my imagination that bad soul wanders there. That was me before. Me now, I see cemetary as beautiful place. The memory really changed the way I look and think about death. And the cemetary. I can feel daddy is sleeping in there. I can feel daddys around me when I come to visit the cemetary where hes buried.
Monday, October 15, 2018
Anyway
A poem by the Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta
"Anyway"
People are often unreasonable; illogical, and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them.
"Anyway"
People are often unreasonable; illogical, and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them.
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Flirty
I hate almost everything right now. I hate to see married guys whos trying to flirt with somebody else. I thought about their wife and kids. What about em?
I dont see any guys who can be compared to my dad anymore. His kind is no longer here on earth. I wish my sons will grow up to be like him or better than him.
I dont see any guys who can be compared to my dad anymore. His kind is no longer here on earth. I wish my sons will grow up to be like him or better than him.
Worst thing
"The worst thing in the world is watching someone you love suffers in pain when there is nothing you can do to stop it."
I was there till his last breath. Waiting, watching, praying and crying all the time. Hoping for miracles while the doctors keep coming and telling us that he aint gonna make it. Its hurtful, painful, so sad, so dark. I still remember how it felt. Ive never experienced the feelings ever. It was really hurt. And I almost cried writing this.
They said, remember him in his good day. Dont remember him that way. But thats the only memory that keep playing in my head. I keep asking "WHY". And it was left unanswered. Its so heartbreaking. Youve never burdened me daddy. I loved you with all my heart. And I was trying to do my best. If love alone could save you, you wouldnt be gone forever. You would still be here with us. We all loved you with all our hearts. But it wasnt enough. Just breaking our hearts to see you suffered alot.
I hope God really took care of you. You are a very important person. You deserved Gods love and forgiveness. May God keep you close to Him. May God saves your soul.
I was there till his last breath. Waiting, watching, praying and crying all the time. Hoping for miracles while the doctors keep coming and telling us that he aint gonna make it. Its hurtful, painful, so sad, so dark. I still remember how it felt. Ive never experienced the feelings ever. It was really hurt. And I almost cried writing this.
They said, remember him in his good day. Dont remember him that way. But thats the only memory that keep playing in my head. I keep asking "WHY". And it was left unanswered. Its so heartbreaking. Youve never burdened me daddy. I loved you with all my heart. And I was trying to do my best. If love alone could save you, you wouldnt be gone forever. You would still be here with us. We all loved you with all our hearts. But it wasnt enough. Just breaking our hearts to see you suffered alot.
I hope God really took care of you. You are a very important person. You deserved Gods love and forgiveness. May God keep you close to Him. May God saves your soul.
Lies
Lies is when I told all my family members to not mourn on our loss. While im still mourning hard and sad about our loss. Ive got to be strong for everyone. Rest in peace, dad. Till we meet again. And when that happens, please come and fetch me, like you did old times. I hope to see you first when im about to leave the world. Theres a reason why God took you first. So you can come and fetch us later, dad. See you when I get there. Forget us not. May God take a great care of you and forgive all your sins. For you have suffered enough while youre here. I have asked God to not make you suffer more when you were in pain. I have trade me for you. I am willing to suffer for you if it wasnt enough. That was my birthday wish.
Good night, dad.
Good night, dad.
My fathers dreams
Eversince I was in high school I have my own diaries. To write down my feelings everyday. And my studies was more to journalist stream. My father had a hope on me. He wanted me to become a childrens book writer. And said he would like to see my name on a book to be read by school children.
I remember on one fine day, me, my dad and mom sat on a table in a chinese restaurant. And he talked about his dreams on me. That was his dreams. But I ruined it. I took a different path and it was on my own choice. I was told that he cried during that time. Cuz I destroyed all. His dreams to see me grow as a successsful person was over. It didnt stop there. I keep bugging him with my unhappy relationship. I wont call that as a marriage cuz I never felt that way. I was never married. I didnt regret having my two special sons but I regret cuz I gave up on my future, my dads dreams. Thats what I regret the most. And he never have up on me. He keeps on helping me with his time, his energy and money. He doesnt even care about that. I remember having a conversation with him alone in his car on our way home. He said, I was his diamond. And he took care of me since I was little. But somehow I was slipped from his hands and someone took me and thought I was rubbish. That someone didnt know how precious I was. And treat me like rubbish. Thats what he said. He has forced me to open up my mind and get up. He made me feel like I am important though I almost gave up again for the second time.
He was a wonderful father. Thats why I said hes the greatest father in the world. Hes a great example to all fathers in the world. And I was so lucky and honored and grateful to have him as my father. I dont know how we are even related cuz I dont deserve him. I was a very ungrateful daughter.
There was one day too,I still remember when he said, I am the pilot of my own life. "40 years from now, maybe I am still there for you. But whats gonna happen after that? Whos gonna look after you?." That was almost 20years ago before God took him home. I have burdened him alot. It hasnt reached 40years yet but I have already burdened him beyond his ability. It is time for him to rest.
I cried so hard but nothing can bring him back to life. Whatever I said, or felt can never bring him back. I have no one to depend on, to turn to. I am really on my own this time. I have to go through everything without him. My heart said I have burdened him alot and now its time for him to rest.
I remember on one fine day, me, my dad and mom sat on a table in a chinese restaurant. And he talked about his dreams on me. That was his dreams. But I ruined it. I took a different path and it was on my own choice. I was told that he cried during that time. Cuz I destroyed all. His dreams to see me grow as a successsful person was over. It didnt stop there. I keep bugging him with my unhappy relationship. I wont call that as a marriage cuz I never felt that way. I was never married. I didnt regret having my two special sons but I regret cuz I gave up on my future, my dads dreams. Thats what I regret the most. And he never have up on me. He keeps on helping me with his time, his energy and money. He doesnt even care about that. I remember having a conversation with him alone in his car on our way home. He said, I was his diamond. And he took care of me since I was little. But somehow I was slipped from his hands and someone took me and thought I was rubbish. That someone didnt know how precious I was. And treat me like rubbish. Thats what he said. He has forced me to open up my mind and get up. He made me feel like I am important though I almost gave up again for the second time.
He was a wonderful father. Thats why I said hes the greatest father in the world. Hes a great example to all fathers in the world. And I was so lucky and honored and grateful to have him as my father. I dont know how we are even related cuz I dont deserve him. I was a very ungrateful daughter.
There was one day too,I still remember when he said, I am the pilot of my own life. "40 years from now, maybe I am still there for you. But whats gonna happen after that? Whos gonna look after you?." That was almost 20years ago before God took him home. I have burdened him alot. It hasnt reached 40years yet but I have already burdened him beyond his ability. It is time for him to rest.
I cried so hard but nothing can bring him back to life. Whatever I said, or felt can never bring him back. I have no one to depend on, to turn to. I am really on my own this time. I have to go through everything without him. My heart said I have burdened him alot and now its time for him to rest.
40days
Missing my dad as the days go by. Its already passed 40 days since hes gone. It felt so empty. Since hes the only one I turned to whenever im at the bottom of this life. I never thought that I could lose him in just seconds. I forgot about God. That He can take whatever he wants, whoever, whenever.
Back to the old days when the doctor called us all, the moment I came in to see daddy, hes just laying on bed. With the oxygen and all the needles and drips, my tears came rolling down to my face. I felt so sad to see him in such condition. Dad can still see me. He heard me. And thats the moment I wont forget ever, he said "Dont cry. Everything will be okay." Makes me cry even harder. Hes still trying to comfort me with his lies. He lied. And all tears just wont dry.
That was my darkest moment. My birthday this year was so sad. In case if anyone wanna know. I spent all day with my family. But with daddy just laying on bed in pain. I have hoped and made a wish. For my daddy to be healed. I thought I could make a wish on my birthday. I have spent the whole day with tears. Its all very unexpected. He was the strongest man I ever know. I never thought that I could lose him. And I never believed that till now. I dont want to. Dad is still here with us. He will always be here, with us. Always.
Back to the old days when the doctor called us all, the moment I came in to see daddy, hes just laying on bed. With the oxygen and all the needles and drips, my tears came rolling down to my face. I felt so sad to see him in such condition. Dad can still see me. He heard me. And thats the moment I wont forget ever, he said "Dont cry. Everything will be okay." Makes me cry even harder. Hes still trying to comfort me with his lies. He lied. And all tears just wont dry.
That was my darkest moment. My birthday this year was so sad. In case if anyone wanna know. I spent all day with my family. But with daddy just laying on bed in pain. I have hoped and made a wish. For my daddy to be healed. I thought I could make a wish on my birthday. I have spent the whole day with tears. Its all very unexpected. He was the strongest man I ever know. I never thought that I could lose him. And I never believed that till now. I dont want to. Dad is still here with us. He will always be here, with us. Always.
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