My fathers dreams

Eversince I was in high school I have my own diaries. To write down my feelings everyday. And my studies was more to journalist stream. My father had a hope on me. He wanted me to become a childrens book writer. And said he would like to see my name on a book to be read by school children.

I remember on one fine day, me, my dad and mom sat on a table in a chinese restaurant. And he talked about his dreams on me. That was his dreams. But I ruined it. I took a different path and it was on my own choice. I was told that he cried during that time. Cuz I destroyed all. His dreams to see me grow as a successsful person was over. It didnt stop there. I keep bugging him with my unhappy relationship. I wont call that as a marriage cuz I never felt that way. I was never married. I didnt regret having my two special sons but I regret cuz I gave up on my future, my dads dreams. Thats what I regret the most. And he never have up on me. He keeps on helping me with his time, his energy and money. He doesnt even care about that. I remember having a conversation with him alone in his car on our way home. He said, I was his diamond. And he took care of me since I was little. But somehow I was slipped from his hands and someone took me and thought I was rubbish. That someone didnt know how precious I was. And treat me like rubbish. Thats what he said. He has forced me to open up my mind and get up. He made me feel like I am important though I almost gave up again for the second time.

He was a wonderful father. Thats why I said hes the greatest father in the world. Hes a great example to all fathers in the world. And I was so lucky and honored and grateful to have him as my father. I dont know how we are even related cuz I dont deserve him. I was a very ungrateful daughter.

There was one day too,I still remember when he said, I am the pilot of my own life. "40 years from now, maybe I am still there for you. But whats gonna happen after that? Whos gonna look after you?." That was almost 20years ago before God took him home. I have burdened him alot. It hasnt reached 40years yet but I have already burdened him beyond his ability. It is time for him to rest.

I cried so hard but nothing can bring him back to life. Whatever I said, or felt can never bring him back. I have no one to depend on, to turn to. I am really on my own this time. I have to go through everything without him. My heart said I have burdened him alot and now its time for him to rest.