Sad

Sad - Maroon 5

Unforgiven

Thank you dad. For your faith in me. Youre the only one in this whole wide world whos never gave up on me. Youve never lost your faith on me. No matter how many times ive failed. And you used to tell me, weve gone through so many failure. But how lucky we were, we can still manage to go through it. The kind of burden that we were still able to carry. And you thanked God above. How grateful you were. That was that moment. And its different now. This is the failure, the kind that will forever haunt me no matter what happen. I have lost you. We have. And I blamed myself for everything. This time it hit us so bad, dad. The kind of burden thats so heavy for me to carry. I can never do this anymore, dad. I have failed so hard this time. Its knocked me down so hard. Forever to death, I will carry this feelings. I am sorry, dad. I failed.

Blame

I realize, things doesnt work with the attitude of putting the blame on others. Im not like them. Who likes to condemn others. So I dont wanna blame on people anymore. If they like to put the blame on other people, maybe I should choose the other way, I choose love over everything else. Bad words will only worsen things. We are not like them.

I will throw my words one day, I hope not. Theres a reason why dad has kept his pain as a secret and only choose to share with us, his children and wife. Now I understand why. But somehow I feel like we should tell the truth. That theyre not trustworthy. That telling them about things will not make anything better. May they realize now.

Death

I remember the time when we were so sad to death beside you on your bed at the hospital, dad. There were these people,came up to me and said to me,you have watched your dad suffers now,whats good about chemoteraphy? Is it any good? And I was speechless. What was he trying to say? What does that mean? I have already blamed myself so bad, and I was so sad that it suffers me to see you in that condition. And he has the gut to ask me that question. What the fuck?

Uncle is so in pain right now. Where are those people that used to condemn us all? What did they do? I dont see any help from them. Blame on others thats all theyre capable to do. Is that all? And they didnt even show their effort. I hate them dad. I hate your sister and her husband. I hate em so much. I am so sorry dad. But I really cant help it. They spoke like peoples lives are all in their hands. They speaks garbage. Theyre shit. Maybe cuz they eaten pigs shit. I am sorry dad. I didnt say we are right. But what they did was shit. They shouldnt have said anything. If they cant do anything to cure you, if they cant say anything nice, they shouldve remain silent. Come up and visit thats enough. I dontt need any words from anyone that moment. We dont. And I have lost my respect on em.

Gun shooting

I feel like youre watching me just now. U always came to my mind everytime. I looked at the sky, and ask, are you watching me now,dad?

I was at the shooting complex just now. Shoothing was the only thing I think I am able to do good. And I always wanted you to watch me.

Last time at the tournament me and my team managed to get to be the champion. I got the medal. Gold medal, dad. But I didnt share it with you. I never shared anything with you when you were still here cuz I know, whatever I do good now, cant compare to the hurt you felt when I didnt finish my studies. I know how much it has hurt you. Nothing of me you can be proud of anymore. Thats why I didnt share. But today I feel like youre watching me. Cuz suddenly u came into my mind. Did you watch me just now, dad?

Here I am again. Sitting alone beside your grave. I missed you alot.

Ashes

Ashes - Celine Dion

I remember I used to listen to this song over and over again. Starting from November 23rd, 2018. Thats when the doctors made the appointment to see us all and talk about dads condition. I was scared overthinking about what they might tell us. I cant even sleep well. I cried at my offices bathroom. When I got that news from my sister, I was at work. And I cant speak about it to people around me. It saddens us to death. The darkest moment has finally came.

Its been almost 3 months now. Dad has gone to meet God. I mean, I never thought it was that fast. Feels like yesterday I washed the wheelchair for dad, feed him.. I still feel so sad. We still.

I dont know what else to think.

And I hated that song now. As it said can beauty come out of ashes. Theres no more beauty. Only ashes. I have never hoped or wished anything pretty can come after dads gone.

Christmas is around the corner, dad. And nothing will ever be the same anymore without you. I never want to celebrate my birthday ever again. I swear. I hated my birthday now. I still remember how I felt. Losing you was never easy. I was filled with all tears. We all were. The worse birthday I ever had in my life. That was my last birthday. Thinking you have gone alone without anyone companying you, thinking you were scared and alone, with all darkness surrounding you on your way to meet God, our Creator. I wish I could go along with you. To company you so you wont be alone. This sadness can never be cured ever.

I still remember seeing you in tears when the first time you heard Aki has gone. You were infront of the tv playing games. You were so quiet. And I saw tears rolling on your face. Nobody understands that. I feel you now dad. I feel so sorry. But I never told you I saw that.

Rest in peace dad.. Rest in peace.. Rest in love.. Rest in love. May God the almighty forgive all your sins and take you along with Him. May God have mercy on your soul.

Your name in my lips

I can never stop speaking about you dad. how to stop me from talking about you to other people? You have always been my pride. You didnt know that. My bad. I never told you even once.

Everyone whos close to me, know, how much you mean to me. You mean the world to me. I know I am old enough to feel such way. But I feel it anyway no matter how hard I have tried to hide it.

How long will it be till we can meet again dad?