Tida payah

 Bapa x payah la tingu sy dari jauh aa pa..bapa jangan risau.sy pandai suda jaga diri sy pa.bapa suda banyak susah pasal sy.sy xmau suda kasi susah bapa.sebut nama bapa di public pun sy malu.mengaku anak bapa pun sy malu..sbb sy buruk.the ugly duckling in the family.sy minta maaf aa pa.sy sayang bapa.sy selalu sayang bapa.dr dulu x pernah berubah.you are always number one for me. Jangan lagi bapa kasi salah diri bapa aa pa..mgkn ini takdir Tuhan..ada pengajaran Tuhan mau tunjuk.im sorry ive never been a great daughter to you.im sorry i never listen to you.sorry sy anak derhaka pa..bapa muncul la ba dlm mimpi sy selalu aa pa..sy rindu mau tingu bapa..sangat2 rindu..rindu x terkata.neverending.bapa muncul ja x payah cakap apapun x apa..sy nampak muka saja pun ok..i love you pa.always and forever.

Things you didnt know

 Covid.kami ada kuarantin full.tutup semua pa.

You didnt get to know and see your little grand son and grand daughters. Ada baby debra, baby brandon sama baby vennyta pa.. Bapa x sempat nampak dorang.

 Oneil sud habis spm pa..i was proud of him.walaupun keputusan xla sebaik mana.tapi x la seburuk yg disangka. 🤣🤣🤣 Like you said,he was a brilliant person.x belajar pun bole lulus pa. 🤣🤣🤣

Me transformed to a complete woman.sy rambut panjang suda.pandai suda bemekap.pakai baju perempuan.dulu bapa ingat ka?bapa pernah cakap sm sy,jadi la perempuan.. 😆 sy jadi perempuan suda ni pa..

Me doing stupid act.but i already left it for good.i remember your sayings "dont ever have the feelings of wanting something that belongs to someone else." I was stupid as usual. 😆 Waiting for you to scold at me.drinking alot.being so drunk.waiting for you to fetch me as usual.

I am still stupid as before.i am still the one you used to know,pa.bingung2.not knowing what should i do when i already know i was doing so wrong.kenapa bapa x datang dlm mimpi sy p marah sy?sy kan anak bapa..i was waiting to meet you.tp mgkn bapa malu lagi kan.x pandai habis2 kasi malu bapa.

Semua cucu2 bapa makin besar suda pa.you didnt get to witness.sy pun makin tua suda pa.banyak kedut sana sini. 😆 Ingat lagi,dulu kalau birthday sy,bapa yg paling last wish.sambil bapa cakap,bila betambah lagi 1 tahun umur sy,bapa pun betambah juga.. 😭 

Nasib sy ada anak2 kan pa.kalau teda sy ikut bapa lama suda..kasi kawan bapa sbb bapa ckp bapa takut kan?kalau sy ikut bapa,bole juga kita takut sama2..kan pa? 🤣😆 Bapa selalu bilang,kesian dorg oneil.jadi la mama.sy x pernah jd mama yg baik kan pa?jd anak yg baik apatah lagi. 🤦💆

Betul o org cakap,yg paling sedih itu yg paling banyak dosa.sy mau post bersedih minta maaf,pun xda juga guna.bukan bapa baca.post i love you,bukan bapa baca.mau kasi tingu siapa?xpayah tunjuk ba kan pa?sy selalu rindu bapa.sy sayang bapa lebih dr siapapun.tipuuuuu.kalau sayang kenapa x dengar cakap bapa? 🤣 Sy pernah cakap dulu sm bapa,waktu sy masi study di jauh sana,sy sms bapa mcm anak derhaka "you will always have a special place in my heart." Mcm si budu pula tu bila sy ingat. 🤣 Kenapa la sy lalui kehidupan begitu. 💆🤦 Benci sy ingat perangai sy time tu.xpandai paham kesakitan bapa.i truly hate me.

Bapa bilang, "teda suda semua tu..x payah ko rasa bersalah atau berdosa.ingat masa depan saja skg.pikir masa depan." Dulu bapa masi ada,x pula sy mau ingat semua.bila bapa teda,mati2 mau ingat even 1 patah perkataan pun keluar dr mulut bapa.paluinya la kan pa?

Bila bapa teda,honestly sy hilang arah.dulu sy selalu baik saja.org jahat sm sy pun,sy senyum ja.sbb sy tau sy ada bapa support di belakang sy kalau ada apa2.skg sy rasa sy defensive pa.there are times,i am sometimes too much.begitu ba bapa mau dr dulu kan?bapa suka perempuan yang who can take care of their own,who can defend their own.thats what you dont witness now.i become so defensive now.no it doesnt mean i blamed you.tp sy rasa skg im really on my own now.so i became abit heartless.its not your fault pa.sy tua suda.sy ja yg pilih apa sy jadi.teda kena mengena sama cara bapa kasi besar sy ka apa..teda pa..im sorry if i made you feel that way.skg kalau org jahat sm sy 1 kali,sy jd lebih jahat lagi lebih 1000000 kali.hahahah.puas hati. 🤣😆 Ok bapa x suka dengar.ok stop x payah suda cakap tu.

Sy cuma harap skg,sy jalan mcm bapa juga..sebaik bapa..bila jalan,anak2 suda bole hidup sendiri..itu ja sy harap.bapa has done a really great job as a father.perfectly as a human being.i want to be like you.you are always my inspiration.my top idol.

I will remember all what youve done for me.i will be good.walaupun mulut mcm paloi. 🤣😆 Bapa kenal sy kan?i wont give up on life easily.i will keep on fighting.i want to be like you.always you,pa.im your biggest fan.

Im enjoying life as i can.i will be happy always,for you..salam sayang utk bapa di sana.sy tertanya2 selalu,bapa di mana suda?x biasa x dengar berita bapa. 😆 Tercari2..bapa bilang,suda tua tp masi lg mcm budak2. 😆 Jangan ba bapa cakap begitu.sy suka manja sama bapa ba saja.itu la sy begjtu. 😆🤣 Kalau bapa masi sini,mgkn sy pun belum juga matang2 sampai tua bangka.sorry pa..banyak betul bapa susah pasal sy dr sy kecil.sy menangis ja hari ni pa.xtau la kenapa.birthday bapa pun jauh lagi.mgkn itu la ba,banyak dosa sama bapa kan.sedih la x kena tempat atau masa.sampai ni malam pun nangis teresak2.sedih betul sy ingat bapa.sy rinduuuuuuuuu ba sm bapa..

Lama sy x p kubur bapa.bapa tunggu sy ka?ada ka bapa nampak sy datang lawat bapa?nanti sy datang balik lawat bapa aa.sy tau bapa x suka nampak kami sedih2 atau menangis.ya la..bapa suka kami kuat.sy ada masa2 ja ba pa.bukan sepanjang masa.hilang bapa ba tu.bukan perkara kecil.tp bila sy pikir,bapa suda free dr tu problem dunia,dr tu kanser,dr sy problem banyak..sy trus happy balik utk bapa.

Pa,kalau nanti tiba masa sy mau jalan,bapa datang aa..fetch sy..sbb bapa tau jalan kan?sy pun takut tu pa..bapa bawa sy sama2 bapa aa..jangan lagi kasi tinggal sy.nanti kita sama2 la tunggu yg lain datang menyusul.teda ba ni agama lain2 kan pa?bapa di sana suda kan?x apa ba kan agama lain2?bole ba kan sama2 pa?sy takut..sbb dulu bapa bilang "nanti  kami semua ken kubur di tempat yg sama..ko saja lain." 😭😭😭 Sy mau ikut bapa ba..bawa sy aa pa..sy mau ada di mana bapa ada..

Almost 4 years

 4 years now dad.and im still grieving.lol.youre wrong,right? "In 5 years,Frame in every so-called disaster,will it matter?"Thats what u used to say.

I have so many regrets.one of the most is,you blamed yourself.yes.you blamed yourself for didnt give me a good lesson when i was younger.

Dad,i told you.i was already a grown up.i made my own choices.it was not your fault.if i was unhappy,thats because of me.it was never you.

My words

 If i was to be asked,whats the things that i eagerly wanted to say before i die,i will honestly answer..Thank you pa,for giving me the bestest and greatest memories ever.Youre a perfect dad.And nothing,no one will ever replace you.Like i told you before,no matter what happen,you will always have the most special place in my heart,i'll be saving it for you,only you.And i'll be holding on to that to the end.Youre never gone.Youre alive in me,forever.

Did you saw all these

Dad,

Im in love with a grown older matured man.but he belongs to someone else.I love him too.but im afraid this could be because I missed you so much.I needed someone to guide me.cuz im really lost.hes 8 years older than me dad.and he always advices me.I really wanna tell him I love him so much,but I couldnt.I remember u said once,dont ever have the feelings of wanting something that belongs to someone else.I realize he belongs to his beloved wife and kids.am I doing the wrong things now dad.please tell me.

But I know u always trusted me.

I remember when I sleep and get nightmares,u were always the ones I will look up to.

Im sorry dad.for not being able in foundations to afford your medical.I blamed me for this.I was never a rich person.to afford all those medical expenses.im so ashamed.

I wish u were still here.

Now I drink all the times.whenever I get the chance to rest.I will drink cuz I hate to think about things.tell me dad,how u been in heaven?

I believe in God.I believe good things are around us.its all because of u.uve always been the ones who stand by me.no matter if im right or wrong.U WERE MY ONLY ONE.I know how much u wanted me to grow.to know whats right and wrong.ive always been the bad daughter to u.

I wish I could still sit next to u.I dont mind if we dont talk.just sitting next by to me,its already enough for me.but im afraid now.icant handle everything,dad.

2019

You used to say, "FRAME IN EVERY SO-CALLED DISASTER, 'IN FIVE YEARS WILL THIS MATTER?' " perhaps God can show to me now,how do I keep up with these words.
I have no interest in anything anymore.I just find out I lost it all.hard for me to feel happy in whatever I do now.
Dad,

Tell me how does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful,is it free like they say?
Does the sun shining bright forever?
Have your fears and pain go away?

I hope you dancing in the sky,
I hope youre singing in the angels choir..
I hope the angels know what they have,
I bet the its so nice up in heaven since u arrived..

I miss you so so so soooooooooo veryyyyyy much dad!

Where r u

Dad,

Everythings not the same anymore since ure gone.you know?there r times I feel like not doing anything anymore.I dont feel like talking to people.im not happy doing anything anymore.I feel like I just wanna sleep all day long.luckily I have my kids.if I dont have em with me,I dont know whats my purpose of living anymore.I feel so lost.I know u hated me this way.cuz u been pushing me.forcing me.advicing me.u did everything u could.to make me see this life is beautiful.honestly ure the main purpose for me to go further.I just wanna make u proud.but now ure not here anymore.I feel that I have always disappointed u.and I never made anything to make u happy.now I lost the cause.the purpose.I was holding to what u said.frame in every so-called disaster,"in 5 years will this matter?".but I dont trust that anymore.I see all darkness surrounding me.no more sunshine.im not happy.where r u dad?do u see us still?I can never face a single day without thinking of u.I always see the moment ure dying.its so heartbreaking.there r days I feel like I just wanna stay quiet not doing anything and be left dead alone.I wish to be buried near to u.but that doesnt matter anymore right?as long as I die and my soul went to find u.ill always wanna find u again.

Idk what to believe anymore dad.idk,I dont understand,how come?how come we lost you anyway.my mind can never accept.tho how many million times people keep saying ur gone.are u really gone?

Im so sorry dad.ive never had the thought in mind to make u happy.I was rebellious.im such a bad daughter.im sorry u had me.u deserves better.better than this life.I get myself drunk everyday.makes me feel better.at least I can sleep good without thinking.with minds empty.tho I can hear u saying,dont sleep so good.

Ik I will be gone too,someday,somehow.can u help me to understand,how did we lost u?how come?and when?cuz I hate to remember the moment.it hurts so much.7 months after u gone and we lost kurt.good thing ure not here to witness this.idk how u will handle this.but I think if ur still here u will do ur best to not let this things happened.im so sad dad.and I lost hope.can u show me the way to heal?

I love u dad.with all my heart.everythings not the same anymore.seeing old people still living a happy life is hurtful to me.think I forgot how to cry now.I cried a million times and it cant bring u back anyway so its no use.living my life either.nothing is ever useful anymore.seeing u dead,who would want to see that?who would ever want to witness the death of their loved ones?NO ONE!

And here I am.im useless dad.as always.I never understand why God take u home.idk.I dont even know what happened.I hated it.I hated the moment we lost u.I hated the moment when we trying to keep u alive tho we know its hopeless.

Is God that bad?we were taught how good God is.I was raised in a catholic.I am always a catholic.nothing can ever change that.I wanna be there where ur at.it has always been a great dream for me.id be honored to die and be buried next to u.

Does it ever exist?the afterlife?nobody knowS!

It it that cruel and bad?all ik im missing u.everdat and second in my life.I WOULD DIE FOR YOU.

I wish to stay drunk whenever.it makes me feel really good.so ill get tired and get to sleep without thinking if anything.

God please help me.I need your help.

They not gonna like you

I remember when u got so sick u said they wont like me.who dad?who!dont worry dad.ill keep on living no matter what.I am sorry I didnt get the chance to make you proud of me.ive failed years ago.ive never said I love you.but I believe you already know that no matter what.action takes on top better than words.u believed that.dont worry anymore.rest in peace my beloved dad.ill come to u when the time comes.I hope to see u there when its time.dont worry about the others.theyre not God.I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!will always do!

Missing

Its been a year now.I forgot that we really have lost u.and I cant believe that.how I wish this is just a nightmare...

Pa,sy rindu kg contoh..sy rindu masa sy kecil.I thought I can overcome this I think I was wrong.theres no other man like u.u were the only..one and only..who cares if I live or not.I regret for all those bad things I have caused to u.but I know u didnt want me to feel this way.cuz u have said it once.whats passed is past.u just wanna see me live happily.I was happy dad.u didnt know how happy I been.until I lost you.I been hiding all my sadness and tears.I act like nothing happened.cuz I dont wanna look awkward.im a mom.I should be strong.thats what u said.I have learned how to hide my feelings so well.tho its killing me from the inside.

I love you, dad.and finally I said that.when ur not here.when youve gone forever.thank u, dad.for bexoming the best dad of all for us.I am so thankful.I love u so much, always.

Regards, dad. Till we meet again. 💜

Charles Kurt Russel J.Ampang

April 17, 2019.

Once again,we witnessed death.

It never came to our mind,that we would lose another beloved person in our family in less than a year after dads gone.I was confused even more.I didnt know what to feel.I cant stop questioning myself,why is this happening?I was trying to understand,WHY?but I know its impossible to understand.hard even more to accept his death.hes still so young.I was thinking why did God put this hard test on our family.did God knows the grief we gonna feel and face.I was thinking again,maybe God didnt know what Hes doing.did God think before He takes away someone we love?

I know I was so wrong,God.for questioning You.I was angry.forgive me,God.I feel like God is so close to our family.and I am so scared.I feel like the angel of death is just around the corner.watching us.I am not afraid of dying.but I am afraid of losing peoples that I love.I am not that strong,oh God.please forgive my sins,my thoughts against You,my words and all.forgive me,God.please have mercy on us.

Please forgive my little brother,Kurt Russell J.Ampang.please forgive all his sins.please take him to Your side.hes so small and young.he doesnt know.hes a kid.he needs You.please guide him to Your way,oh God.show him the light to Your path.I am so sorry God.please forgive me.forgive us.and please have mercy on us.

The most painful song

As to date, ashes by celine dion remains the most hurtful song ive ever listened to. As the song is starting to play, I will remember every single thing that happened. We heard that news from the doctors that theres nothing they can do about dad anymore. I hate that moment. Gonna be the most stupid days ive ever went through. I hate me the most.

I wanna give advice to all dads out there. Dont take my dad as an example. If you want your kids to love independently when they grown up, my dads not your greatest example. Dad loved us very much. In his own special way. It has caused him sleepless nights, days filled with worries, hes been putting us in his priority all his life. Its been so unfair to him. Cause him the most anxious life. I am passed 30s. Almost 40 dad. U need not to worry about me at all. I told mom that but I never told you. But I have always needed you. I am useless. Hopeless. I am so sorry dad. I know you pushed me away just before the days you gone. Youre afraid I might not get up when u gone. And you showed ne the signs and been trying to tell me I should look after my kids. I failed dad. Ive never been a good daughter. Nor mom. For that I hate me!

Trauma

I think I have the trauma. Of seeing the death of someone I really love. I cant believe that I have to accept this things gonna happen anyway. Whether I like it or not. That I finally have to realize this. Death is something we can never deny. Its for sure. No matter how hard we tried to slow it down. The time will come eventually. And theres nothing we can do about it. If death is a problem, then how come we cant overcome it with a solution? Its something that beyond humans expectation and reach. The last few days ive had with him, is something that I can never forget. It will keep on playing, repeating on my own mind. And I still ask to myself, is dad really gone? The hurts and pains can never be healed no matter how happy the situation is. And the feelings of endless yearning has filled my mind. I wont hear him calling and I cant reach to him no matter how good life is. No matter how good the technology is. I cant speak to him, I cant hug him, I cant sit in silence with him no more, I cant know how hes doing, I cant I cant I cant 100s 1000s 100000000s cant. Its stucked there. The sayings that said everything is possible, is a lie. A big lie that human beings ever believed in. And my sadness can never be cured.

Talking bout dad

Well,talking to other people about dad was never easy. My tears will always fall down. I just cant help it.

We were talking to someone just now. Me with mom. And I asked mom, whether the persons aware about our loss on dad. And I feel so sad. All in a sudden. My eyes starting to water. But I managed to hold it. So no one knows I was sad.

And I get into dads car. Asking myself, dads really gone? Talking to people was never easy. So I tried to avoid talking about dad to others, everytime.

Rest in peace dad. We will meet again, I heard ya saying dad.

Warning sign

I used to have this question on my mind. "Why cant I get the chance to live with my parents?" Well,my wish was granted. But only for awhile. And dad has gone forever. It has only been months. And could all this, been written in my so-called fate? I say so-called cuz its so hard for me to believe in fate. I believe more in logic. That I made my own fate. I choose the path im on. And could all the people who believe in fate, were actually putting their blame on something. Well, we never know.

Im living with mom now. With my kids and bro. We r happy. Thats all I wanted. Thanks God.

Our dog

If a person could ever hit a dog until they died, that person clearly is not a good person. Dogs, they dont have mind to think.

I believe,our dog was hit to death.

Indescribable

Sometimes,I just wanna be quiet and enjoy the silence. And say in my heart, I miss you, dad! I miss you so much! I dont know anything else, I just know I miss you so very much. Like by just seeing one picture of you would make my tears run down.

I MISS YOU, DAD!

See ya when ya get there

Like I heard his sayings when I went to his grave every now and then. This saying gives a big meaning to me. When I see the trees, when I look up to the sky, when I feel the wind is blowing, whether the sun is shining or rain is pouring down, I heard him saying, "Dont be sad. Ill see you when you get there." I know he always wants us to do our best in this life. It made me smile again. Everything I feel, all the things I see and touch, I will hear him saying that. I'll do my best, dad. Dont worry. Just rest easy. I will always remember you in whatever situation. I wont forget you, dad. Ill pray for you. Im not afraid. I wont be scared. I will live, dad. Until the time comes for me. I will.

Mess

My life is a mess.

My head and mind is in mess.

Everythings messed up.

Firstly, I did say sorry to my kids, for bringing them to this world without the love of a father.

Secondly, I hate my religion now. I wish I can go back. But thinking I will only mess my childrens life, I am stucked here. I cant. I love my kids. All u want now is for em to live happily.

Thirdly, I have lost the guy of my life. Whom I always turn to whenever life knocks me down. I am forever lost now. Im a terrible mother.

I hate me. But I love dad, I love mom, my siblings and my kids. The only persons in my life ever. Im ashamed of me. All the tears came out from my eyes, all the pain I felt in my chest, all the hurt inmy heart, can never explain how messed I am. I wish I can fix this. But I cant. I suck.

2019

Christmas and New Year had passed. Its 2.1.2019 today. My tears rolling down yesterday. Just when the new year has come. Feels like something is missing. Everything seems incomplete now. I was always here every new year and christmas. I never missed it being here. I remember I just sit in the living room with dad. While the others were out waiting for the new year countdown. I dont remember when.

Feels like daddys still here with us. I still cant believe it, we really have lost him. Its like a nightmare. I always pray in my heart to God to forgive all his sins. He loved his life. And he took care of everything God has given to him. Hes the very good example  to every Ordinary human being living on this earth. And he has suffer too much with pain. May God look after you dad. My prayers and heart and love will forever be with you. Amen.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year dad.